.:: sick ::.

haiz..my headache getting from bad to worse..no, not headache..more like migraine..haiz..this morning, the pain has spread to like my cheeks..my goodness..my sis that time until her nose there..what on earth is wrong with me? and then, my back's hurting..worsening too..like haiz..whatever..i dunno..i think i can't be bothered with myself anymore..my frenz scolding me already ah for not taking my medicine..later, they get sick of scolding me, then they also can't be bothered..haiz..i dunno..my ma doesn't know abt my condition though..she'll shout her lungs out if she knew..the next thing i know, she mite even bring me to hospital..goodness..haiz..

checked the symptoms already..but doubt so lah..mine too normal a case..but that time, i heard my ma saying that the symptoms can't really be seen until the final stages or something like that..hmm..but i haf a feeling that instead of that, i mite be having diabetes? muahaha.i dunno..both my parents have it..and my ma always say that if our hands often get 'ants ants', that's a sign..haiz..i dunno..last time, when my dad was suspected of it, it seems that he's always weak..now, i'm like that..always weak..haiz..dunno wat's wrong with me niwae..

to mcb:
don't despair yeah..i noe you guys haf tried your best and at least you guys maintained a silver..there's always the next syf so yeah.. =)

actually, i'm more worried abt what will happen to mr tan..more than anything else..haiz..i think the sch's f***ing unreasonable lah..whatever..can't be bothered..it's always been the unfair treatment anyway..so much for wanting everybody to achieve more and stuffs..yucks..disgusted..bleaghx..

hmmm...trumpet guy..trombone guy..muahaha..lolx.. =)

met the st gab's guy in the bus today..woo hoo..! sat quite opposite him lah..then, he kept looking..hehe..can't believe that i'm liking sooo many guys..nah..impossible..nampak sah, for fun je..haiz..

dreamt of danny last night! dunno why..wierd..hmmm..

i'm sick of school..i'm sick of life..i dunno..haiz..my dad, all that he knows what to do is to scold me everytime i come home..bleaghx..for no reason whatsoever, start scolding me..my ma, as soon as i wake up, start scolding me already..bleaghx..that's why i say..the more i feel like isolating myself from the whole world..haiz..

.:: what on earth is happening ::.

i dunno why..i'm feeling damn sick, tired, stress..all the emotions running wild in my head..i'm freaking as the day goes by..haiz..i dunno..bleaghx..only my own self understand..but at times, i can't even understand..haiz..

wierd things are happenings..i dunno why..like msgs from people that dun msg me..people saying hi to me..and yeah, we are on talking terms already..the one that i've not talked to for like such a loooooooong time..=P

went back to mf for band on monday..not bad..but, i dunno..somehow, i feel scared for them..brr..the bands that are playing on their day are all like gold bands like that kan..but nvm, you guys can do it yeah! dun fear all these people..heck them and do their best...! jia you!!! *muackz*

nah, dun feel like saying anything else..just wanna keep to myself for now..and live in isolation..for a while..

.::buaiz::.

.:: happy moments ::.

::[080405]::
went out with sanah, has, nor and jehan..went to watch samara..was sitting in between nor and jehan..nor was funny..even before the movie started, she was 'begging' me to go home..hehe..funny gerl..then, i think i went deaf eversince coz both of them always happen to scream at the same time..muahaha..=D hahakz..and as usual, lil me just continued eating popcorn and made fun of the actors..muahaha..i think i talked too much then..hehe..then, we went to bugis to take pictures..sooo happy..took twice..wah, mcm okb gitu kan..hehe..and that saniah, supposed to meet us after movie but guess what? she feel asleep while watching the pope's funeral ceremony..funny gerl...these are my frenz..crazy peeps..hehe..

hope can go out more often yeah girls..at least once in two weeks k? *muackz*

::[090405]::
in the morning, went back to mf to pass my junior my band skirt..then stayed to take a look see at them..their syf is on wednesday..haiz..i see them..like not prepared gitu kan..percussion, percussion..haiz..got nothing to say...
then, finally managed to bring adlin to watch spongebob squarepants the movie..after sooo long..hehe..act, mus was supposed to go with me rite..then, he had tuition..so,i went with nor instead..hehe..sooo funny lah..cannot take it..and then, my beloved shepherd met up with us after that..so sweet..hehe..=P i told them that adlin's hard to handle..told ya..hehe..such a fun outing lah..and now, i'm supposed to bring her to watch pooh too..what the heck..terkopak seh that day...haiyoy..

::[100405]::
slacked the whole day at home..lazed around doing nothing..didn't even open my books to study lah..damn disappointed..but what the heck..hehe..

and my whole body's aching lah..cannot take it..haiz..

going back to mf again today to see the band..and somewhere deep inside me, hoping to see that person..shan't name who..dunno why..it's been exactly 6 months now..and suddenly, just thought of him..especially last night when i was watching What Women Want..suddenly, all the thoughts from the past just came to me..and suddenly, i think i miss having a guy next to me..i dunno whether i'm yearning for one..but oh well..i dunno..but, out of all the guys, why him? why must it be him that i think of? haiz..and, there's this guy in sch..the more i look at him, the more i think he looks a bit like him..ada sikit2 ah..not exactly..

was in the same bus as the st gab's this morning..he cut his hair..did i mention abt the incident at amk that night? i think i did..oh well..=)

.:: 2nd entry for the day ::.

do i look pale? seriously? do i? i noe that my eye bags are getting worser and worser by the day..padahal, i had enough sleep wat..i think..that night i placed that revitalising thingy on my eyes wat..did that made my eyes look worse or something like that? haiz..~

only just now, nayali asked me whether i really, really dun like youseetoomuch anymore..not even a little bit at least..now that i thought about it, i think, i still do..a teeny weeny portion of my heart..even though at times i hate him like hell..coz i just realised that if you dun like that person anymore, why should you and why would you be jealous if he talks to another girl? rite? so that's why i say i think i still haf something for him..maybe, until i noe for sure that he doesn't like me..oh whatever..i shouldn't involve myself in this things..

a waste of time i think..

had to do the stupid econs essay..well, completed it already..phew..but i think i wrote crap..what the heck..bleaghx..

people say that nowadays my entry are very random and vague..i think so too..coz by the time i get to the comp, i forgot every single thing that i want to write already..so no point..whatever..i write wat i can..heez..

too tired..only ate like 3 bread until now..no lunch, no nothing..haf to save up for tml, sat and my handphone bill..hate myself..bleaghx..

.:: so happy ::.

met up with my girlfriends yesterday..me, sanah, hasanah, jehan, noraini, saniah..just like the old times..so happy lah..went out, went to take pictures and had dinner at lj..then walked around window shopping at j8..hahakz..i was like practically laughing my heart out..hehe..nor and san with their selamba-ness..hehe..so funny..terkekek aku..hehe..miss them so much..*muackz* love ya all..can't wait for friday's outing..mesti terkekek lagi..confirm hundred percent..hehe..they are thinking of having a chalet for the girls only in june..i hope it menjadi and i hope that i'll be able to stay over..i dun wanna miss out on all the fun man..hehe..i think i shall organize one in december and call back everybody..okie?

ha..and guess wat? i reached home at arnd 8+ coz i just can't sem leave them..hehe..=P and then, my parents weren't at home..they went out and then they locked the bottom lock instead of the normal one..and when they came home, my dad said that it was a warning for me..the next time, they'll change the lock..whatever..sometimes i wonder why they jus dun let me haf more freedom and let me go out with my friends at least..i think it's a damn sad case lah..haiz~

guess who i saw at the bus stop in the morning just now? luqman..or izzit lukman? afiq's classmate..it's been a while since i last saw him.then when he saw me, he kep looking at me..with the kind of look that trying to figure out who i was..haiz~

mf's having their sport day next friday i think..and there's this like alumni race or something like that..it's a relay..hehe..i think i wanna go back and watch..it'll be fun..hoping that i won't meet that *******..hehe..whatever..

the more i look at this somebody, the more i think it looks like afiq...hmm..whatever..

no econs today..that means i haf like 4 1/2 hrs break..hehe..but we must do a keynesian essay and hand it up by today..what the heck..

trying to study last night..in the end, i ended up with my face in the book..hehe..persuasion bores me i think..hehe..what the heck..

bleaghx..

.:: aim ::.

wat was i about to say huh...hmmm..oh, i sort out my study schedule last night already..omg..i just realised that i haf soooo many things to study..haiz..i really, really hope that i can stick to my study schedule..pray hard yeah..my target for the A levels would be an A for malay, B for literature and hopefully a B for econs..i got a C for econs' block test..but i was thinking that's because there's no data response or whatsoever..haiz..must study hard already..cannot slack anymore..hmm...

most prob meeting jehan later..long time neva meet those girls already ah..most prob, on friday, going out with has they all..hopefully menjadi lah eh..miss ya gerlz soooo much man...*muackz*

i hope that she doesn't do what she intends to do..i really, really hope so..how i wish i can talk to her about it..haiz..

ooh..and guess who i saw on the bus on the way to school this morning? hehe..shall not tell you..muahaha..i'm nuts..

i think my mum's like shocked or something like that coz i've been home quite early these two days..well, i think it's too early to say coz it's only been two days..hehe...=P

i got the photo that i toook with fizah already..i think i look wierd..but shannon said i looked nice..maybe i should post it up somewhere or something yeah..then see how it goes..i wanna upload the one i took with fazli and sanah...hehe..still waiting for the photos from fazli..

debate orientation today..

i just realized that i know nothing about persuasion..bleaghx..

.:: exciting? maybe ::.

so irritated..couldn't get into blogger just now..now i only haf like 5 minutes to type my entry before the bell rings and then i haf to go for class..

here's the people for my table for D&D...me, fizah, fidah, esdy, hafiz, fazli, imran, alfian, idzham, fauwaz...only three girls you know..haiz..girls, i'm still not happy coz you guys are not going..=( why not you guys set another table? then can go what..haiz..oh well..

i dunno..this whole thing is like creating all sorts of mess..how i wish things didn't happen..then things wouldn't have neded up this way..haiz..

reached home damn early yesterday..around 3..i think my mum would have like fainted or something if she suffers from heart attack..hahakz..and i went home not to do my work..but i ended up sleeping from like 4-7pm..if my mum didn't call, i doubt i would have woken up niwae..haha..

cikgu nominated me for some kind of thing..but why me ah? i dun wanna go for like interview or anything like that..and she asked for my grades lagi..haiyoy..

honestly, i dun see any potential president for mlcs..oh well..whateverlah eh..haiz..just hope that the next committee can really, really work together and all..^pray^

msged farhan last night..he's having exams soon..so poor thing..

gg out with my beloved shepherd on sat..hehe..everytime i get a msg from him, it never fails to bring a smile to my face..i dunno why..even when i'm in the lowest mood pun..not bad ah..the power of a shepherd..muahaha.=D

.:: sigh ::.

i hate it..i hate it when i am put in a spot..i just hate it..i dunno why...haiz..whatever..why must there be all these problems....?

.:: gotta go ::.

.:: hehe ::.

dun ask me hu i haf a crush on eh..hehe..i very the shy you know..muahaha..nolah..just joking only..hehe..

nice talking to farhan..he sounds nice..hehe..not bad..=)

i'm so happy..my parents said that gpa was well done..hehe..and i heard that my dad wants to gif the whole mlcs a treat or something like that..so happy..really hope that it's gonna happen yeah..hehe..

and for everybody that came for gpa, i really hoped that you all had a lot of fun yeah..heez..=P

.:: SUCCESS ::.

gpa's over!!! had so much fun yesterday working with faz..hehe..looked so much like a pengantin i tell you..hehe..they all said i looked like a doll..nah..and what th heck, my camera couldn't work..haiz..rose and ama gave a rose..so happy..hehe..i think, i muz go get something for faz too..mus and azhar came! sooo happy..long time neva see mus already..glad that he's doing well now..well, mlcs..we did a great job yeah..well done..hehe..

i think i'm having a crush on somebody..hehe..shan't tell you who..

happy gerl now..

.:: emptiness ::.

haha..i dunno..i'm suddenly feeling happy all of a sudden..after a horrible incident..haiz..dun wanna talk about it..dun wanna stress myself coz sat's coming..

everybody's getting ready already in the ml room..in boxes all..like as if somebody's getting married..got bunga manggar also..muahaha..and who's getting married?! me! haha..wat a joke..to who? fazli..hehe..funny me..hehe..i hope everything turn out well yeah..NYJC MLCS ROX! hehe..=P

he replied my message..he said some he really meant it..some he exaggerate..i dunno what he's trying to say lah..nayali says he's shy or something..i dunno..oh well..laugh here, laugh there..haiz..well, i hope he'll do well wherever he is..

sometimes, i just wish that i can just disappear from the face of the earth..

yesterday, all the funny and bad thoughts came to my mind..i was thinking of running away..i was thinking of never to come back home again..when i crossed the road, i wished that the car would actually knock me down..WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME??????

my dad started the whole nonsense again..he thinks i went home late because i went out with a guy..wat rubbish is that?! hello..mus i always be with a guy 24-7? this is what makes me feel that i shouldn't think about guys..haiz..how i wish that they would find a guy for me instead..coz hello mum and dad..you won't allow your daughter to befriend guys..therefore, this daughter of your won't get married! what the heck..

what rubbish am i talking about?! bleaghx..

i wish, i wish..i wish i can just be myself..i really wish..

why must my entrie sbe so depressing all the time?! haiz..wat to do..

face it..that's my life..

.:: second entry ::.

guess wat?! i got a schock of my life during econs tutorial just n ow..how can i possibly enter an econs quiz?! when my econs is like bleaghx..haiyoy..even though it's just an mcq thingy..and it's on rahman's birthday..haiz..and he asked me to join..not that i volunteered..haiyoy..how like that..goodness..oh well..i think i just try my best lah yeah..heez..

shannon and char left me alon in sch lah now..haiyoy..neva msg me all..i noe i didn't answer your call..but neva msg me..sob sob..

he replied my message..sent me an e-mail..wonder what the message is about..hmm..

.:: wondering ::.

i dunno..i think i haf been secretly liking this guy without realizing it..coz all i did all this while was kept on sayong that he was cute..heez..he's a year younger..used to be from my sch..not anymore now..i always imagine seeing him.. like just now in the morning, on the way to sch..i tot i saw him walking to sch like last time..haiz..and he gave me a testimonial..many testi, like really nice and sweet..and there were a few already and my friends said that it's kinda obvious that he likes me..i dunno..and there was a recent one..lyrics from a song..and then i sent him a msg asking him whether he really means it..jus wondering lah..haiz~

Constantly you're on my mind and I think about you all of the time and even though words are hard to say, I miss you, never thought I'd feel this wayYou know how I'm feeling, it's you I believe inCan't you see that I need you?Nobody's there when I call your name and nights are cold without your flame but if I could, I'd make you see that I'm sorry and that I need you here with meEveryday reminisce with the past and how we used to be when it was you and me?How did it all disappear so fast?There are days that I can't forget, there are things that I now regretI was there for you when you were there for meEvery night when I'm laying in my bed, I hear your voice going round in my headThink of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have saidI really will make it up to you, I know now what I've got to doIt took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing youYou know that it's true everytime I see your face, I miss you

so that was it..what you think? haiz..

i dunno..i think i'm forgetting him already..succesful..coz i occupy myself with other stuffs..and making myself believe that i like somebody else..haiz..damn pathetic..bleaghx..

.:: wondering why ::.

i dunno why but i just can't seem to forget about him..both hims..him in my oast and the him that i used to like..the more i try to forget, the more i can't seem to forget..it's annoying..i dunno..nowadays, everything that he does seems to make me feel paranoid and stuffs..i dunno..i think i noe who he likes..izaf..i can see it..especially yesterday..why didn't i see it rite from the beginning? now, i noe the feeling of liking somebody and yet, the person doesn't like you back or he just doesn't noe..i dunno..bleaghx..hate this..sometimes, i just wish that people will stop asking me abt him..then maybe, i can stop thinking abt him..then, i can forget him..i noe that i haf been saying that i dun like him anymore but i just realised that it is so not true..haiz!

the him in my past...i dunno..suddenly, my past just came back to me yesterday and i can't just can't accept the way things are now..i now that i shouldn't brood over what has happened..but i dunno..haiz..why?! why must things always end up this way?! why?!

hate myself..just simply hate myself..grr..

.:: excited ::.

mlcs j1 orienatation today..quite excited..hehe..dunno why..muahaha..i heard that there's this guy that is born in 1986..how cool..tt means, one year older than us..ah..icic..but didn't get to see who he was..=( ^get a conrol of yourself mardi^ goodness..

again, gpa..very, very excited..! cause my baju is like super, duper nice lah..hehe..i like..muahaha..=D

realize my entries nowadays haf been very, very vague..no mood lah..just got nothing to say but just felt like saying something..hehe..=P lamo me..hehe

talked to this guy last night..he's in am..but then he's like soooo chinese lah..his ma's malay..but, he's not a muslim..that makes him off my list..hehe..and he is like sooo despo to get a gf lah..dun like this kinda guy..yucks! hehe..i think i'm being mean..

hate myself..i dunno why..just hate myself..was thinking abt it last night..and the thing is i can't find the reason why i actually hate myself..haiz..~

.:: wat am i taken for ::.

haiz..i dunno..am i taken for granted? i've got nothing to do with them anymore wat..izzit because i'm still considered as a part of family too to her? haiz..i dunno..financially, i'm unstable too..but i think i still consider her as a sister of mine too..and i sympathize with her..i noe how the family is like..i think i haf no choice but just to help..haiz..there goes my money...how am i gonna get $18 by tonight? haiz..oh well..

.:: bleaghx ::.

.:: in a mess ::.

sometimes i just feel like as if i haf no extended family at all...haiz..i dunno..everything's in shambles now..my family like isolate ourselves from everybody else gitu..quite sad actually..but it's not our fault..i really think it's their fault too..haiz..

gpa's soon..like this coming sat..hehe..the baju for my emcee, damn nice..hehe..really like pengantin like that..hehe..i like..sooo nice..the thing is now, i dunno whether on tt day i shud wear tudung for emcee-ing anot..as in, my ma keep on pushing for it..but the thing is, it's gonna be like wat and all coz wen i go there i'm not wearing..then when i'm emcee-ing i'm wearing..then after that not wearing anymore..nanti org ingatkan ape pula kan..i dunno..i think i shud just convince nek uda..or maybe, i shall ask liyana later..haiz..

meeting khairul today for dinner..quite scared actually..haiz..oh well..hope everything gonna turn out fine..

i dun wanna get back my results for block test..haiz..just dun wanna noe..

i really, really hope that unwanted people do not get to see this blog of mine..freaky actually..

.:: feeling better ::.

i dunno..i feel better now..in all aspects..even though i didnt study for lit block test..oh well..what the heck..

girl, you must try to forget about him k? think of me more, then problem solved liaoz..hehe..

i didn't know that there are many people out there who went thru what i went thru..guess i'm not alone..

the year 1s are in..quite excited..got quite a few malays..not bad..

gpa finals is like next week..quite tension-e-mania actually..but quite excited coz i'll be wearing baju pengantin with fazli..muahaha..early preparation..can feel how it's like being a raja sehari..hehe..

mind blank..dunno what to say..toodles then..=)

.:: bleaghx ::.

my block test so far..i think it's a disaster..just finished econs today..omg..i think it's a total wreck..like seriously..haiz..oh well..didn't really sleep last nite..now having all the stomach aches and headaches in the world..it's a damn sad case..

char baby, you dun sad, sad okie..we'll always be here for you..just remember whatever happens, there'll always be bao bao..muahaha..jk..=P

haiz..no mood..i think now..can't feel any emotion at all now..haiz..oh well..

.:: bleaghx ::.

.:: terrbile lah ::.

gosh..first day of block test already so terrible..cannot take it lah now..haiz..madness..the malay paper was full of rubbish lah okie..let me tell you..there were supposed to be four salina questions, choose two..only got three..there were supposed to be four cerpen questions, choose two..out of the four, we've only done one of the cerpens..what rubbish is this lah..then in the end had to do all three of the salina questions..the cerpen question..happened to be the one that i didn't read..wat luck..bleaghx..

gp..not so bad lah..i think the compre like hmmm..no comments actually..the essay..wrote nonsense..

tml, no paper..but wed got econs..thurs got lit..haiz..

feeling sick again..exams just make me sick..d-uh..

.:: guilt taking over ::.

heez..went to study at raffles place..productive..very happy..

feeling extra guilty now..i hope you'll be able to read this..

i'm sorry..i noe that you mite be wondering why i didn't contact you these past few days..i've been quite busy..i'm really sorry..i told ya i'd call but i didn't..as soon as i reached home, i went out again with my family and by the time i reached home, it was very late already..i'm really sorry..i noe that you mite be thinking like what the heck and all..sorry..i noe that sorry can't help solve everything..

i noe that i've not been spending much time with you guys..i'll make up for it aite?

haiz..~

.:: why?! ::.

can't believe it lah..i think he has a gf..he has a gf!!! all my hopes are like totally dashed already..haiz..at least last time i could like reassure myself that you know maybe he just doesn't like me..but now, it's confirmed that he has a gf..haiz~ what luck..

my parents...can't believe it..haiz..

nothing much to say..block test next week..still struggling to study..oh well..

.:: aloha ::.

hahakz..it's been a while since i last blog huh? updates, updates...

::[friday]::
-> went to buy new contacts (hahakz)
-> ate lunch at haig road..in my sch u! madness..

::[saturday]::
-> went for NUS open house..the place looks soooo dead!
-> went out with char and shannon..took neoprints..i look spastic..(as normal..what's new? hahakz..)
-> went to kak lin's wedding at night..stayed until like 2am in the morning...my own cousin couldn't even recognize me! what the heck..

::[sunday]::
-> was at kak lin's wedding the whole day..met up with my beloved and wacky cousin, shiqah..hahakz..

::[monday]::
-> went for the third round of the space debate..oh my..we lost..again..never done so badly before..
-> went to bugis with sanah and char..we were the wackiest we could ever be yesterday..took neoprints again..hahakz..

::[today]::
-> in sch waiting for malay class...
-> no updates yet coz it's just the beginnning of the day..muahaha..

------------------------------------

i think my brother-in-law is such a whatever..you know what her said? he said, "i've already advised before you go to jc..now you regretting rite? not majoring in something when you go to the uni later..." what the heck lah k..i'm not regretting alrite..grr..

nothing much to say already..i didn't noe that you can use msn from the internet..wow..learn somethine new everyday..hahakz..

.:: empty mind ::.

i dunno what's wrong with me..i dunno what's happening to me too..haiz..i really dunno..i dunno what i'm doing..why am i feeling this way? AARGH!!!!! i can't take it anymore..somebody slap me! geez...

oh well..but then i dun think it's as bad az i think it is..i think i'm bringing it upon myself..oh well..

such a nice testimonial from him..i really dunno whether something's going on..haiz..oh well..we'll just wait and see ah..

took the same bus as the st gab's guy today..it seems that he also take bus from the central bus stop with his fren..he taking earlier bus now..hehe..

bleaghx..

.:: once again ::.

i became the emcee for gpa finals..i dunno..i feel kinda guilty..like why me? coz my partner's supposed to be alfiyan and yet his partner is not liyana? i dunno..i feel damn guilty..it's not that i wanted to..i should have said something then..i dunno..i'm sooo sorry..i know that you'll read this..i'm so sorry..=(

meeting yesterday was sucky..haiz..i dunno..no comments..everytime after meeting comfirm i'll be in a foul mood one..and some more sat beside that somebody yesterday..everything also must quarrel one..not on agreeable terms anymore..i think he's giving me the cold shoulder nowadays..whatever..i think i can't be bothered anymore...no point bothering..haiz..

i think i'll turn over a new leaf..in every aspect..must try..

i dunno but i just cant seem to do anything when i reach home..everyday, when i reach home, i'll bathe, maybe eat, and then straight to me bed..why ah? haiyoy..can't even do any work..

block test is in like 2 weeks...my gosh..how like that? must study during the holidays..hmmm..

i think whatever i was feeling in the past coming back again..wanting to please others all the time and always think about what others would think of me..how i wish i just can't seem to be bothered by all these...but i can't seem to..i dunno..maybe i dun gif a hoot about things anymore and maybe that's a good sign? i'm damn confused..dun even noe what i'm blabbering about now..haiz..

.:: chillackz ::.

haiz haiz..so many people feeling confused yeah..so poor thing..you dun stress too much girl..dun think too much and stress yourself..aite? *muackz* love ya..now you sitting next to me..so you cannot see okie? hehe..anything, just tell me yeah..i'll always be here for you!!! love ya...! =P

i was in the room with him alone yesterday..but he just left soon after that..i mean after looking at the trophies all..he just left..without even saying bye..quite sad actually..even though i keep telling myself that i dun wan to think about it or anything like that..but i think i can't seem to help it..haiz..oh well..

i dunno why the girls keep in saying that nadihahs likes me..really ke? nolah..i doubt so..haiyoy..it's just friendly gestures you know..hehe..

haiz..dunno what to say much actually..just felt like blogging in the morning..like some kind of routine like that..oklah..not so exciting entry..but indeed on a happy note..

till then..*muackz* to all!!!

.:: things seem to be picking up ::.

it's been a while since i last had a happy entry..i just realized that..hahakz..=P

i'm quite glad actually..things seem to be getting better around here..quite happy actually..my parents starting to talk to me..friends are all doing ok..glad that she's back in sch now..heez..

i tell you..i think i'm having some kind of disease or something..you'll understand if you look at my fingers..my gosh..the skin is like peeling off all lah..and by looking at my fingers, you would think that i'm some old grandma or something..hahakz..

tell you, went to Puteri Pan Pacific Hotel at Johor on saturday nite and slept over..madness lah..i think my family all got nothing better to do..haiz..

went out with mus on friday to watch hitch..it's such a nice movie lah..so sad ah..he and his gf broke up already..and guess wat? i found out that azhar has a gf already! hahakz..and her name is like Ini or something..and then she'll call him Itu! hahakz..what a joke..

didn't go out with khairul on saturday..bugger..hehe..but it's ok..actually, kinda scared coz where i got go out with people that i've never gone out before alone seh..heez..oh well..whatever..

i got block test after the one wekk holiday!!!! AARGH!!! must start studying already lor..hehe..=P

dunno why i'm so giggly ah now..heez..nah, not because of him..giving up already..

watched moulin rouge on tv yesterday..sooo nice..crying all...hehe..i was meant for loving you baby you were meant for loving me..hehe..

bought this sling bag yesterday..nike..i kinda regret buying it..scared later give people wrong impression seh..bleaghx...

i think i'm gg to be happy soon..coz i think my hp bill for this month is like way lesser..hehe..

my second sis and her hubby bought new phone all ah..some sony ericson that has a camera..haiz..

.:: what shud i do? ::.

tot of just 'penning' down my thoughts before going for debate later..hmmm..second entry of the day..

finally i've completed my carnal knowledge essay..what a relief..but i think seriously, i wrote like total rubbish lah ok..haiz..oh well..still gor the othello essay to do..due tml..still must read my othello text..how can i possibly finish reading the text by tonight? haiz..must try..oh well..

suddenly my past just came back to me..it's not anybody's fault..dun worry..i think i shouldn't be hiding soo many things from people..haiz..i dunno..i'm such a loser..afraid to do so many things..even telling the truth..my gosh..i dunno..but you know sometimes the feeling when you just dun feel like talking and you just dun feel like telling anybody anything? yet, you just want to tell somebody coz you just feeling lonely and nobody to talk to..i dunno..i really dunno what's happening to me..i just feel that my past has totally made me into a different person now..not totally..but somewhere there you know..haiz..

how i wish things were like last time you know..no need to worry about so many things..can tell everything..haiz..i'm sorry..i didn't mean it to be this way..how i wish i can tell you straight out what i'm really feeling..but the problem is, i can't even understand myself..yet again, i reall i wish i could..

everything just sound and seems to be wrong nowadays..i dunno..i think i'm going mad..haiz..losing control of myself..why must you do this to me? why must you spoil my future indeed..haiz..oh well..

char's looking at me now..investigating every single word i'm typing..heez..

good...but i dun want to go to his club..i'm so lazy to travel you know..hehe..oh well.. =P

feel like eating something soupy now..to cool myself down..oh well..

till next time, when i'm feeling better..hehe..

.:: amazed ::.

liyana said i'm in trouble..am i the wrong signals? i wonder..what if the one that i'm having feelings for thinks that i'm falling in love with somebody else? haiz..this is the last thing that i want to happen..i dunno..i was thinking he treats everybody the same..sanah and shannon told me a few possibilities that can be happening..but i dunno..he's interested to get to know girls from like other school maybe..i shouldn't raise my hopes so high..i dunno lah..haiz..

i'm glad things are ok now..FRENZ FOREVA!!!! *muackz*

i told myself to stay back in school maybe and study everyday..if not, finish up my homework all..if not, i dun go home..even if i havent finish my work yet, i'll stay at the void deck and finish up..i will only go up after i'm done with my assignments..yes..i will do that..

my ma doesn't know that i'm wearing contact lens..she asked for my specs just now before i left house for sch..haiz..i wonder what her reaction would be when she finds out..oh well..

people are doing sooo well for their o levels ah..i can't believe that the average aggregate would be like 12-13..and that's like mine lah ok..i feel damn stupid now lah..and i found out something..he got 13 too! heez..what a coincidence...

should bring sanah all go fork & spoon one day..i didnt know that it was just like another banquet..but the laksa i ate..my gosh..it was vegetarian by the way..no lemak like that..haiz..

i dunno why..like found out yesterday, suddenly everybody having like some kind of breakdown like that..why ah? and i thought i was the only one..guess i'm not alone now..we all should sit down and study together aite? heez..

.:: heez ::.

well, well, well..i'm sooo glad that you did well for your o levels yeah..hope you'll stay in nanyang yeah..all the best to you in the future..heez..can't believe you sat with me and had a chit-chat wif me just now..hehe..oh well..all the best again..and congrats..

now, ir eally dunno what's going on..i bet a lot of things happened yesterday..i really need to fill myself in yeah..haiz..

my ma thinks i'm a big girl now..sarcastically..damnit..

i still havent done both my lit test! aargh!!!!!

there seems to be a cultural exchange today with the sm2 scholars..haiz..wonder what we gonna do..

going out wif mus on friday and khairul on saturday..watching movie..constantine on friday and i wonder what i'm gonna watch on saturday..i'm gonna be like soo broke lah..haiz..i quite wonder how it's gonna be like to go out with khairul..neva went out with him before..quite freaky..heez..

oh well...ain't got much to say..to all those who just gotten back their o level results, congrats if you guys did well..if you didn't, dun despair yeah? *muackz*

getting contact lens after using the ones that has gave me..she said wearing contact lens is addictive..hehe..so funny..oh well..use my own money..still got my bill to pay..

sometimes i wonder..i want so many things but i only have a limited amount of money..i think i'm asking for too much you know..yeah..oh well..

we were msging last night..heez..i think, it's okie now you know..and i thought he wanted to say something that i wanted to hear from him when he didn't complete his msg but in the end it was nothing..so the anti-climax..haiz..

oh yeah, he and fiz giving us 50bux to spend on the dikir people..why they soo nice ah? i do wonder sometimes..haiz..

i making a pact to myself..from today onwards, i'm going to study hard and do my work regularly..it's a promise..

.:: why must this happen ::.

oh my gosh..whatever i found out yesterday was like a shock to me lah..how can all this actually be happening? i dunno what might be happening today coz i'm not in school but even if things were to go to normal or anything like that, i doubt it's ever gonna be the same again..it cannot be lah..why? is friendship sooo...? haiz.. i dunno..seriously, i dunno what i'm supposed to feel at all..angry? disappointed? sad? i really dunno..it's just that why should she wanna do that? i just can't understand it..i'm like damn confused now lah..why must it be this way? it's kinda questioning..i dunno..oh well..maybe, we're not giving her our fullest attention? maybe she thinks that we're not siding and defending our friend? oh well..i dunno..i really dunno...can you please tell me why? why the sudden change?! haiz~

oh well...i should stop not coming to school..stop being sick..must take care of myself..and i think, my mum has given up hope in me..again..oh well..whateverlah eh..somehow, i've come to the point where i just couldn't be bothered anymore..oh well..whatever happens, happens..i just wish that sometimes instead of raising their voice at me and scolding me, they would talk tome nicely and stop jumping to conclusions..at least, i think i would appreciate it better..oh well..how i wish, they would take time to understand me more..oh well..even my sisters are like not on my side..they think my parents chasing me out of the house is a funny thing..damnit..

oh well...i'm at a lost..again..how i wish sometimes i can just run away from my problems..i think that's what i'm doing now..oh well..

i need to eat less...i think i'm putting on weight..oh well..haiz..

whateverlah eh people..i think my life's so like sad..i think i should be happier now..see ya..=P

.:: wahaha ::.

gpa saringan is finally over..and dikir was a success!i'm sooo proud of u guys..dk sure kicks ass huh..hehe..oh well, we shall do a better one for finals aite? yepz..oh well, nothing much to say about it actually..on the whole, the show was fantabulous..muahaha..

i finally got my contact lens..met has yest..and nash was sooo cute..! he acted as antony yesterday..he was like good lah..gosh..unexpected seh..great job nash! hehe..

finally, the world is clearer to me now..actually i had a lot of things to say..but can't remember them now..oh well..

to all my beloved dikir-ians aka my children..great job..to the j1s, all the best for your o-level results..dun forget your beloved mummy here yeah..hehe..and remember, we have 50bux to spare so i shall gif you all a nice treat aite? take care!!!!

.:: so exciting ::.

well, well, well..gpa saringan is like tml..feeling the pressure even more now..haiz..sitting next to faridah now..kesian dia..haf to do so much work..i'm here to suuport you all the way girl..hehe..

now, malay room is like in a mess lah..so many things all around..the baju dikir, the bunga manggar all, the deco for the lt..haiz..oh well..can't wait to get over and done with it..

i really hope that the dikir performance tml will be aite..we can do it yeah, dikir-ians! we rock..muahaha..

i dunno...so poor thing lah..blew up yesterday..he like so tension-e-mania..i know he's been keeping it inside for very long already..chillackz yeah dude..i sent him a nice, forwarded msg to you know like cheer him up a bit..with the courtesy of sanah..hahalz..thanks..i hope you're feeling beta yeah dude..any help, i'll always be here..heez..

got the costumes for dikir already..got nice and positive comments from the rest..sooo happy..hehe..

oh well, beta end soon before that mad teacher comes by my comp..till next time..more updates on gpa!!!

wish me luck guys..heez..

.:: now what ::.

yeah, and now nobody tells me things lah..haiz..can practically smell tension in the air lah..when i ask what happened, nobody seems to tell me anything..haiz..i'm like sooo "back lagged" if there's such a term..i dun even understand what it means..haiz..yeahlah..haiz..why ah? tell me lah people..tell me what's wrong..dun hide things from me eh..please...

i'm glad you're doing fine saerah..must come back to school okie? i miss you a lot too you know..heez..*muackz*

gpa' this coming saturday..i'm quite freaked out actually..i have a feeling that the performance will surely receive criticisms from other school..please lah people, mind your own business..you guys have no right to criticise whatsoever..dun think that you guys are better or whatsoever because we're proud of what we are doing..NYJC MLCS ROX manz! =)

slow system, slow comp..haiz..bleaghx..

gg for ayun's anthony & cleopatra show this coming sunday..so exciting..heez..me n sanah thinking of buying flowers for him..all the best ayun!

oh well...i was left with him in the room yesterday..thought that the feeling that i used to have might come back..but not really..he just rushed off soon after that..haiz..

oh well..wish us luck for gpa yeah..toodles..

.:: what's simply wrong with me ::.

oh my gosh..can't believe this..i'm becoming worse by the day..in all aspects..haiz..i'm becoming sicker ah..i really dunno what's worng with me..yesterday, my stomach hurts like hell..it came back this morning..maybe it's just like cramps or something..i dunnolah..

managed to go to the beach but at the expense of something else..at least, i'm feeling teeny-weeny bit better..haiz..

oh well..missed both my tests this week..having another test next week..oh my..how to cope like that?! geez..

i dunno why but i think my feelings are like slowly fading away..i dunno..maybe, i sense nothing in return..that's why..yeah, so can say that i dun really like him as much now..quite sad but i dunno..it just happens..yeah..oh well..do i've got anything to lose? hmmm...oh well..

my friends..they seem to be worried abt me..dun worry guys, i'm fine yeah..and i'll be fine..

shootz..the pain's back..haiz..

~~~

my, my, my..cikgu wnats to see the dikir performance on thursday..well, at least now, im and idzham joining..hariz and idaly coming..should i join too? i dunn o eh..still contemplating..heez..oh well..

what a blow up during the technical dry run..stupid guy..thinks he's some kind of big shot..thinks i'm like sial rite? please lah..why can't he simply understand?! my goodness..can't be bothered..WHATEVER!

feel sooo guilty..changed for the debate finals and stuffs but in the end, i didn't go..i'm really very sorry sanah..sooo sorry..=(

oh well..dunno lah eh..still feeling lost as ever..haiz..can't wait for everything to end..can't take it anymore..haiz~

tot got a lot of things to say..but suddenly, forgot everything..haiz~

i'm so behind in my school work ah..how to sit for my a levels like that? geez..

got a lot of things running in my head rite now..haf to settle it out soon..still finding a time to go to the beach..haiz..

dunno what to say now..till next time..when i'm in a clearer state of mind..

D A M N_I T

my parents gave up on me..i just know it..none of them talking to me already..i'm feeling so lost at home now. really nobody to turn to now. i'm like so tempted to like run away but where can i go? haiz~ but what have i actually done? i feel shitty, so shitty..damnit..what the f***.. why must all this happen? can't even talk to anybody..all my friends are like having problems too..dun wanna burden them..AARGH!!!! Grr...so pressured..

i need a time out..even my paretns are not giving me the chance,,how i wish they are the kind whom i can confide in..not even my sisters..damnit..

i need to shout. i need to whack something. i need to throw something...

my head's hurting so badly..maybe too much caffeine last night..tea & coffee..bad combination..

AARGH!!! for the first time in my life, i'm late for school..break record..geez..

what's happening to me? i dun seem to give a hoot about things anymore..AARGH!!! i'm disappointing myself. i'm breaking my own promises..i'm losing my sense of direction..

i need something..i need somebody..sooo badly...

why?! why must this be happening?!

this week is just a bad week for me..damnit..

.:: what the heck lah ::.

wha the heck lah..cikgu comes back and it seems that everything is a mess now..oh my gosh..like she doesn't want this, she doesn't want that..goodness..please lah..why must she be in so much control seh..haiz..i mean it's like if she wants to b in control of everything, might as well she does everything what..haiz..oh well..whatever! if she continues doing that, i haf a feeling that whatever happened last year is gonna happen again this year..and dun say that we didn't put ni effort coz if the same thing repeats, then it's fault lah..ade dia suruh kita kasi the guest of honour a noce looking scarf? please lah..have more sense than that seh..a guest of honour deserves way much thatn just a nice looking scarf..my gosh..bleaghx..

talked to maz and faridah last night..hehe..had fun talking to them..hehe..*wink*

i haven't eaten like a proper meal ah for like what 2 days? yupz..can't believe it myself..i'm becoming weak i think..heez..

my specs...! it's still not done yet..haiz~

gonna play handball today with maz, liyana n faridah..i heard he's playing tooo..hahakz..

oh yeah, went out yest to go look for gpa stuffs..hmm..very exciting adventure..hehe..all the three fo us all dah like become so giler gitu..hahakz..really had fun..heez..and the three f us, or maybe just the two of us, thinking of rebelling against cikgu..hahakz..

some people came up to me and they think that i'm doing a lot for gpa..i dun think so eh..am i? no what..oh well..heez..

food..i sooo need food rite now..

.:: it's happening again ::.

AARGH!!! can't believe this..it's happening again ah..whatever happened back in secondary school days are happening once again..coming hamoe late every day..not that i want to..but i really have mlcs things to do..except for tat one night went for dinner lah..but apart from that, it's not as if i want to go home late..or purposely what..haiz..and then, HE started his ranting once again..with his threat and stuffs..i was like what the f***..that set me off ah..i dunno..i always hoped that i could like tell and talk to my parents about my problems and stuffs..and actually, they are adding to my stress and problems..AARGH!!! if i were to tell them that i'm like pressured of feeling stressed, their response would be "you brought it upon yourself. that's your problem. who asked you to?" what the heck ah..AARGH!!! damnit..grr..

cried the whole night last night..never cried so much in my whole life..was crying even while doing my work..i can't take this anymore ah..why?! why?! why?! cried again ljust now..AARGH!!!!

i want to vent my frustrations on something..but i dunno what..AARGH!!! i wanna go to the beach..any takers? sigh~

one more week to gpa!!!!! aargh..guys, i really need your co-operation...let me list the names...IDALY, SHAHIDAN, ASLANY, HARIZ, SHARIFFUDIN..i need all of you to come down!!!!!! i dun care..you guys are getting on my nerves already..! AARGH!!! grr..i need a punching bag..like seriously..bleaghx..

i want a hug..i dunno why..sigh~ i think it makes me feel better somehow..

.:: d o w n & d e p r e s s e d ::.

.:: over the moon ::.

hahakz..happening seh yesterday in the ml room..hehe..i dunno but i think people know..hahakz..let me like quote what happened yeah..hehe..

me: eh, aku nak kasi korang benda eh nanti.

f: haha..kau nak kahwin ke?

me: ah ye, aku nk kasi surat saman.

f & z (in astonishment): HA?! dengan pak *******?!

there was more to it...i was damn embarrassed lah ok..gosh..

in the malay room, later, after school...

f: eh S, aku dah dpt bunga telur perkahwinan kau ngan mardi.

S: (just smiling away)

me: ape sak..korang cuma salah dengar pe..

f: dah mardi..no need defend yourself..no point..S is not even saying anything lah..hahakz..

embarrassing sak..like as if the whole world know! haiyoy..but is that a good sign for me or something? or izzit because people that i dun want to know about this found my blog? goddamn it..bleaghx..

haha..and i found out something shocking yest..taufiq mail is the like vice-pres of the student council on MI lah..damn shocking sak..it's like sooo the opposite of what he's like in sec sch..oh well..and he's like the heart throb of MI now lah..big deal..hahakz..oops..=X

should i get contact lens? as in for real? hasanah, kau kata nak kasi aku kau punya! hahakz..

things are happening one by one..it's kinda scary when i think abt it..haiz..

AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.:: aargh ::.

why? why? why? why must face all this problem?! gosh..one by one, people want to back out..haiyoy.making things so hard for me..how am i gonna answer to the 'higher authority'? haiz..symphatised me a bit lah..and just bcoz of this small little thingy den dun like the sch already..quite sad eh..haiz..and i thought..oh well..whatever..

i dunno, when i think abt it, i think the perf'll work but when i think some more, i'm like sooo confused..haiz..oh well..i'm too bleaghx until i can't describe my own feelings..haiz..AARGH!!!

it's valentine's day today..got stuffs for the ex-co..plus him too lah..hehe..oh well..hope he doesn't read much into it but a part of me hope so..hahakz..

i dunno what to say now already..my mind's in whirl somehow..haiz..oh well.. till next time..

.:: b l e a g h x ::.

.:: aha ::.

stupid pesta pantun..my gosh..i think i made a big fool out of myself..oh well, at least the three of us had fun (hopefully)..especially the lelong section.."itik jalan terkedek-kedek, janganlah saudari nak bedek"...hehe..bleaghx..then there's another one that fazli and im came up with "Kita dipaksa masuk bertanding, diheret masuk seperti kambing"..hahakz..damn funny..hehe..oh well..at least we went for it..i hope nus really meant their word huh..if not, aku cekik batang leher satu2..ha..

i'm still 'blind' now..haha..and the thing is, my ma didn't even ask me why i'm not wearing my specs..wierd huh? oh well..beta i feel..char helping me go see whether it's cheap and affordable to repair it..in the meantime, will use my old specs during lectures..yeah..suaku..hahakz..

well, everything is fine now..more than glad..no more stress and tension..wonderful..heez..

hmmm..was msging him an saturday..why did i fall asleep so early? if not, still can continue msging him..haiz..oh well..and you know what? i jokingly kacau him lah wen he said he was outside by saying "gi dating eh? hehe..jk..". but then, he never said anything to that you know..does that mean he's really attached?! oh noooo!!!!! haiz..oh well..my dream shall only be a dream then..ha, at least he asked me whether i can see..hehe..i'm already so blur, without my specs, i'm even blurrer! hahakz..

what else huh..let's see..ha..i also dunno what to write already..up till now, i really, really hope that he doesn't find his way here..and hope that people whom i'm not keen leaking my secrets out to read this..oh well..

.:: what luck ::.

what luck..broke my specs yesterday during pe while playin hockey..haiz..so scared to tell my mother..i think she'll scream her head off at me!!! AARGH! but she didn't realize that i didn't wear specs..i think she just think that i'm lazy to wear..maybe..oh well..and i'm like soo bruised all over now.haiz..what luck..and i go arnd telling everybody that i broke my specs..hahakz..and now i'm like a blind girl going around knocking into everything..couldn't even differentitate between a taxi and a normal car..hahakz..so pathetic..

niwae, they said that helooked concern when i was telling the rest about my accident..oh, what theheck..i doubt so..and i think, he's just being concerned and friendly to everyone..especially that now with the gpa preparations, closer bonding..yupz...i think i shouldn't read into it so much..i think it's just a friendly gesture..

i sooo dunnow what's wrong with her now..my gosh..this can't be happening lah..sooo reminded me of my sec sch days now..why must this happen?! aargh!!!!! did i really do anything wrong? oh gosh..should know me better wat..haiz..oh well..que sera sera..we'll just wait and see how it goes..geez..

stupid pesta pantun..i'm like soo dunnow what to do now lah..haiz..oh well..do what we can..i'll look like a dumb ass thinking of a pantun and coming up with nonsense..oh well..

.:: que sera sue sera ::.

oh well..had the first proper dikir training today..ok ah..did the tepuk sepuluh thingy, trained to tepuk properly(the dikir way)then did a bit of wau bulan thingy..yupz..really must push the j1s to work harder.and i'm sooo happy..i had the greatest strength today..yupz..like what, hmmm...14? 13? yeah.that's good man..and i'm thinking of joining them for the performance too..coz if asyura keep on not coming,it means that i'll step in..hehe..not bad..quite happy today..

stupid quotation..still not here yet..gosh..taking so long..i think i should and have to go down to the shop again..haiyoy..youseetoomuch..haiz~

and now, i'm in the debate room while the j1s prepping their cases..andi have like two pairs of eyes staring at the screen while i'm typing...SOOOO WIERD!!! now, cannot gossip about them already!!! hahakz..bleaghx..hehe..

faridah, maz and liyana have been observing youseetomuch for quite some time already..no wonder liyana say whatever she said in the taggie..hehe..but then like i told sanah cannot raise my hopes too high..hmmm..

and then,me, char and ian were talking about building muscles..hehe..and then i was reminded of afiq..ooh..hehe..oops! cannot talk about him already..bleaghx..shall not and will not..this is the last time his name will appear in my blog..

hmm...and now i have to help my junior with her speech..oh no..i so dunno how to do speech one..hehe..i shall help with research then..hehe..while blogging..i wonder what time they end..this reminds me of moe debate season..going home late all the time..waiting for sanah now..it's ok..accompany her..shall try to make myself useful..by doing research..yupz..

talked to him just now..and then left me alone in the room ah..haiyoy..oh well..hmm..i think he's attached..hmm..oh well..whatever..haiz~ so tirin..i'm breaking down by the minute..mut be home on time to catch american idol..hehe..=p

.:: haiz ::.

oh well...had the 'pep' talk yest..just realized that shahidan and aslany are really nice people..to think that they stayed back after everyone have left to tell me that aslany couldn't make it today..so nice..i mean, i compromise a bit a bit ah..these two never really gave me anyproblems..willing to come down for extra practices and all..not bad..hehe..they claimed that i knew them best..hehe..could understand them better..like real gitu eh..but it's ok..i'm nice to my juniors..heez..then, the rest..oklah..and i think the news that i cried on thursday really got around..i think..i heard and saw idaly telling hariz about it..so embarrassing..nvm..at least they'll know and i hope that co-operate even more..well, at least everyone turned up yest..phew..except for one..grr..

and then, he told the j1s to make sure that they will come and they will not break their promise or something like that..and he said that he'll come down for the pratice to check..oh my..

brother ian..hehe..so cute..bro & sista forever..hehe..=)

my goodness, never felt so sick in my life..woke up this morning and i started vomitting like nobody's business..my gosh..and then, i so sick already, my mother still want to nag and scold me...my goodness.there's only so much i can take ok..goodness gracious..how to go for the dikir prac like that? dun even haf the energy to talk..i scared once i open my mouth, i'll start vomitting..oh my..i still remember there was once i used to vomit every 5minutes..that was such a nightmare! i hope it's not happening again..gosh..

i really think that h and are together..the more i think about it, the more i feel it's true..i mean, it can't be such a coincidence rite? oh well, good luck..hahakz..bleaghx..

started on the dikir thingy..slept at 3am last night..but still, i haven't finish it yet..couldn't get the inspiration..only had the first two lines and the penutup..apart from that, nothing..have to get it done by today..i dun wan it to be the case where we can't start training because i'm still not doen with the lyrics..i dun wanna keep asking them to do some stupid brainstorming thingy..haiz..

AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.:: d.o.w.n. a.n.d. l.o.w ::.

omg..never been so stressed in my life before..can't believe that i actually broke down in fron t of the J1s..and he was there..my gosh..so embarrassing..but then, i really wish that the j1s will know of the situation that i'm in and haf some kind of urgency..this is a group effort and how on earth are we going to pull it off if they don't turn up? to the 7 people that came yesterday, thank you so much for coming..i really appreciate the effort that you all made..even though shahidan and idaly had rugby, i'm really thankful that you all stayed back a while longer...thanks people..as for the rest, i'm going to talk to you guys later..you guys better watch out..if you think that i'm easily taken advantage of, and if you think that you can easily step on my head, you are sooo wrong..nanti aku dah naik loktang, ah baru korang tau eh..geramnya...ish..people, do you realize that we had like only two weeks left to the saringan?! all i need is your cooperation at this moment..AARGH!

thanks "youseetomuch"/"amanz" for being there..even though it was kinda embarrassing that you were there when i broke down..niwae, thanks..yupz..

i have nothing much to say now..i'm such in a down mood..with everything coming down on me..i think i'm gonna break down again..any moment soon..haiz..why? why? why?

thanks sanah for the encouraging msg..really needed that..thanks..*muackz*

.:: stressed ::. .:: simply over the moon ::.

hmmm..well, i haf this great feeling that he knows that i like him..how?! what if he like stumble upon my blog and read everything? i'm so scared now..act, i dunno eh..if he were to find out and you know no wierd reactions, why should i be scared rite? oh well..i dunno eh..like, somehow, things become different gitu kan..

did the banner for gpa yesterday..so much problems..my gosh..can't believe it..quite scary eh everybody become angry..when things were that way, all i wanna do is to cry..i really felt like crying then..gosh..

den comes my dikir item..the j1s simply not come except for a handful of them..really appreciate your presence guys..even though shahidan and aslany came late after everything was over..it doesn't matter..told ya if you guys dun gif me problems, i'll provide lunch for the two of you on saturday..hehe..so stress..only like 2 weeks plus left and still....nothing..haiz..

then, yest was like sooo close..hehe..kept banging into him one..was that intentionally? oh well..whatever it was, i was happy indeed..hehe..(^_^)

so tiring today..having dikir prac, banner to do, cny celebration rehearsal and debate to go for..oh my..how i wish i could cut myself into 4 pieces..talking about cutting..

me, sanah, shannon, ian and aaron made a deal with char..if she were to cut herself again, we'll cut ourselves too..we'll the double the amount that she cut..you haf to try to stop char..it simply can't go on..okie?

i shall not freely give my blog add away..this thingy here needs some kind of privacy..things are really getting personal..muahaha...for those who know the existence of my blog, you can continue reading it..hehe..

.:: omg_so happy! ::.

heez..got so many things to write about..my gosh..okok, let's start from friday..well, well, well..there was the sec schs debate that i had to adjudicate..my gosh..both the debates were like ^speechless^..really..but, i think i would get into trouble! haha..i'm sooo not good in adjudicating..my goodness..when it's time for the adjudicators sharing session, i sooo haf nothing to say..the other adjudicators must think that i'm such a useless bugger..oh my..luckily, none of the teams approach me..or else, i'll be like, "well, i really think that you guys did well but content wise, i dun really haf anything to say"..hahakz..i mean, the other adjudicator gave such a detailed 'debrief'..oh my, come to think of it, i dun mind being a shadow adjudicator..heez..and i think i'll be for the next round..oh well...

And then came saturday..hehe..oh well, the earlier part of the day wasn't something that i was looking forward to during the weekends..but i haf to admit that it was fun! hahakz..and i got scolded by this nyonya for knocking on her door too hard and making too much noise..haiyoy..she didn't wanna come to the door what..geez..whatluck..

and then, hehe..the moment that i've been waiting for..went to the trophy shop to settle the trophies for gpa..hehe..it was sooo fun! hehe..i had the time of my life..we spent 3+hours in the shop..can't believe it! the woman was like sooo suaku! i think she's new..we tried to explian to her in the simplest form of english and she still doesn't understand..my gosh..and keep on mistaking us for NJC..until 'he' had to tell her that we're from NYJC..gosh..hahakz..and he kept on saying that everything is also cacat..hehe..so funny..hafiz pun tak leh angkat seh..hehe..and then, we were supposed to take nel back..i already decided to take it to hougang as i got a straight bus what..but then all the three of us got into the train that goes towards harbour front..that means changing at dhoby ghaut lah..and then, when inside already, i told him actually i intended to take it to hougang and take bus from there..hehe..and then he was like "eh, i also can take to hougang. i got straight bus also. you still wan to go hougang not?" and then, the three of us looked like fools, dropped off at Little India, which is one station after farrer park and took the train all the way to hougang..can't believe it man..is that a sign? nah, i doubt so..maybe he just felt like taking a bus after all..oh well..haiz..if only there'll be more of those times..haiz..learnt quite a lot about him during the trip..hehe..i'm so on cloud nine now..hehe..

yeah! ma dad bought a new printer..it's marvellous..it's sooo fast..hehe..professional baby..hehe..

got my top for the cny celebration already..it's this black blouse with flowers in front and haf some pink stuffs at the sleeves..omg..pink..bleaghx..

haiz..my item!!!!! i'm so goddamn nervous now..geez..

my ma 'upped' my daily allowance..hehe..wonder what made her to do that..hmmm...

you guys should really try the black pepper seafood pasta from swensen's..it's simply delicious..but make sure can take spicyness ah..the more you eat, the more spicy it gets..^slurp^

.:: so freaked out rite now ::. happy happy .::

oh my gosh...had the worst encounter of my life yest..my goodness..i'm soooo paranoid now..that guy is like sooo wierd...shook my hand while going up the stairs and never wanna let go..goodness gracious..brr..then he happily patted my head! how dare he!!!!!! hmmph.. and the thing is, i dun even noe him! he followed me all the way to the front of my lift..i'm sooo scared that he'll stalk me..now i need people to pick me up from home and send me back home..i feel so kiddy..*blush*blush* thanks hafiz for picking me up in the morning..thanks char for your willingness to send me back home..hehe..freaky! the last things i want is for him to wait for me at my void deck! sicko! psycho! wierdo! AARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and after that, came the happiest moment of my life..hehe..he msged me!! hehe..so happy..asked for my help some more..hehe..and most prob, he following me to the trophy shop! yeah! yippee..i'm over the moon man..heez..

then, saw him in the library just now..hehe..got talk to me leh..very happy..then still can fool me..bleaghx..hate you! hmmph..very excited now..hehe..gonna wait in school until he comes back then get to see him again..hehe...now, he and im like close already ah..everytime also i see them together..hehe..maybe can korek some info from im..hehe..

i was almost dying lah when i ran 2.4km..aiyoh..i breathless already ah..fainting, collapsing, dying..but noooooo..they still make me run..haiyoy..headache ah..geez..

later got adjudication thingy..bleaghx..quite scared act now..brr...

oh yeah, i think there's a cute guy in the bus that i take every morning to school..hehe..from st. gabriel i think..but too bad..my "youseetoomuch" is better looking..haha!

.:: wierd ::. wierd .::

hey hey..so tiring ah today..had cross country yest..didn't do anything actually..just stand there and be barricade..hehe..basking in the hot sun..hehe..=P

den after that, went to eat dinner with the other OGLs: para, olivia, kenneth and terry..went to j8 to eat at mac..my gosh..terry, you took so long to come..haiyoy..so loving towards simin..haiyoy..but the thing is, they are still not together..hey dude, wanna wait until when ah? we made a deal rite..v-day yeah..hehe..=P then we went to take neoprints and kenneth die2 also dun wan to take with us..i wonder why..the pictures we took all very nice lei! hehe..

aiyoh, then kena scolding from my parents..so sad ah..but nvm..got out of it..hehe..

then my dad gave this stupid wierd IQ test thingy to see how creative i am..and let me tell you, i'm sooo not creative..hehe..forgot to bring the stuffs to sch..if not can test the rest..hehe..i'll surely haf fun wan..hehe..

aargh!!! having meetin with the j1s mlcs and i'm so not ready..what's more..even worse..i forgot to bring the piece of paper..shoot..bleaghz..

.:: MiXeD eMoTiOnS ::.

haiz..first it's my mum..then it's my dad..i tell you..they really have serious issues man..i seriously think that they are undergoing menopause..small little things also can be so angry..haiyoy..makes me angry too!

i really think that sanah makes sense..in the sense that i think he was toyin and playin me out when he asked me to talk to his girlfriend..i really think so..why was i sooo stoopid to have done what he asked me too? haiyoy..i should haf been smarter and think of the ulterior motive that he could probably be having..me and my stupid self..haiz..can't believe this..haiyoy..miserable, miserable me...well, i noe that i should stop thinking about him or whatsoever..haiz..it's not as i made the mistake or anything like that..haiz..sanah said, maybe once i find somebody new, then i'll be able to forget about him..i think so too..but the person i haf feelings for now..haiz..oh nvm..

i felt so stupid..juz now zhiyang helped me to cut and paste his blog add..my gosh..hehe..so embarassing..haha..

had my cny celebration dry run yest..ended so late..until 8..haiz..so tiring..then i think the teacher like not quite happy like that you know..so sad ah..still wondering what am i gonna wear on that day..muz go compass point and do shopping..got metro sale then selling loads of ny clothes..hehe..i'm feeling so 'chinesey'..if that ever makes sense..heez..

can't believe that there are co many conflicts going on.invisible conflicts i should say..hope everything will be back to normal..i kinda dun feel it..does that make me ignorant? oh gosh..i talk to everybody that i know and see what..haiz..oh well..~sigh~

sometimes, i dunno why but i feel so alone..haiz..why am i feeling this way? gosh..i shouldn't be feeling this way wat..oh my..this is sooo not happening..

=P bleaghx =P

Aargh!!!!! i simply dun understand my mum..my gosh..i think she's experiencing menopause..seriously..my goddness..just can't understand her at all..what's so wrong with closing my room door and having my own privacy?! AARGH!!!!! bleaghx!

sanah's back in da house people..she looks better..hehe..i hope she's feeling better tho..she's sitting right beside me now looking at neoprints..hehe..

yest, went to go shopping with ian and char..went town..got a nice pencil box from the wallet shop thingy with the word 'DUH!' written on it..so cool and so cheap..i like!..hehe..and it's blue in colour too!!!

ha, finally went to the trophy shop to look at the trophies for gpa..so many of them..gotta go tell the committee later on.

i saw him yest! but then, no point getting excited i feel..coz he doesn't even noe anything about what i'm feeling..hehe..oh well..did i tell you char calls him "youseetoomuch" and sanah calls him "rahmanz"..of coz that's not his real name! d-uh?! sorry yeah rahman, had to pinjam your name for a while..

it's cross country tml..! luckily i signed up as an official..then no need to run so much..hahakz..heez..

today's the dry dun for the cny celebration..i think my co-emcee is weird..hehe..i dunno why but i think so..he's like so against speaking english..wierd guy..

.:: dunno what i'm feeling now ::.

heez...i seem so busy yet so slack now..gosh..haiz..i think my second sis and her husband have a major prob man..my goodness..it's like..oh nvm..talking and thinking about them just makes me, bleaghx..

so excited..going to heeren's to shop with char today after settling the trophy thingy..hehe..got the vouchers as a birthday present from my bestest and loving pals..hehe..must make full use of the vouchers..cannot waste it..hehe..can you just imagine the whole load of things that i can possibly buy?! i'm sooo excited! hehe.. =P

huh, i kept dreaming of him..i dunno why..it's like, my goodness..you know sometimes, i just wish that i can haf you know some kind of potion that can just make me forget everything about the past..including you..yes you! you've made my life so miserable that i dun think i'm the mardiana that i was once..before you came and destroyed everything..haiz..i was stupid too anyway..oh well..

sometimes, i feel that the mixed feelings that i haf for someone won't get me anywhere..in the sense, what can i actually expect from him? my frenz said that even if anything were to happen, it'll be after the a levels..haiz..so sad rite.. =( oh well..

was talking to char last night about V-day..just realised that this is the first ever year that i'm single..alone..hahakz..found it weird initially..after so used to having somebody with me for the past 5 years..hmm..oh well, i wonder how it feels like without anybody..haiz..

nowadays, i keep on thinking what his reaction would be when he sees me..would he pretend that he didn't see me? would he look at me and smile? would he even tegur me? haiz..oh well..in the first place, why am i even wondering? why am i still thinkin of him? omg..i shall not and will not talk about him anymore in my future entries..*i'll try*

oh, my co-emcee for cny celebration, is lilke so tall! my gosh..can you imagine me standing beside him? it'll be damn funnylah..goodness..it'll be as funny as the picture that i took with hj..hehe..and when i talk to him, i'll haf to strain my neck to look up..hahakz..

*smilez*

i'm so happy..i finally have a new blog skin with a tagboard and stuffs..so happy! thanks char! love ya..*muackz*

guess what? my dad gave me like 70 bucks for me to pay my bill..gosh..so happy..i mean, he's never done that..but he said next time he won't pay for it already..hehe..thanks dad!

hey people, i really need your comments on this 'new' blog of mine..hehe..must hor..i'm very excited..hehe..

oh well, i'm really2 scared now..the invites is like in 2 weeks..gpa saringan in is like a month's time and i've yet to get the j1s to practise for the item..what if it become a flop? what will the rest of the committee think of me?! oh gosh..haiz..AARGH!!!!

oh, i msged his ma yest wishing a selamat hari raya haji..just had the urge to..i hope he doesn't find out about it..haiz..or else, i'll be in deep shit..oh well, if he dares to do anything, i might as well complain to his ma..hahakz..and they all still dun seem to believe that i'm not attached..izzit so hard to believe? gosh..hmmm...nvm..

feel so shitty now suddenly..wanna go back to mf someday..visti band and...yeah hoping to see somebody..but nvm..oh well..

.:: confused ::.

phew, just delivered my speech on the significance of hari raya..my gosh..such a short notice, but nevermind..it's ok..thanks fizah for contributing some info..and mrs ho shook my hand! geeez..

niwae, should really ask char to get me a nice, wonderful blog skin..maybe one that has taufik? or even some bollywood actor that i like..haha..how great would that be..heez..i think my blog nows look kinda parlimentary..hahakz..

can't believe it man, gpa and the invites are like sooo near..i've yet to prepare the saringan item..gosh..can somebody help me please?!?!?! haiz~

i wish that i hadn't done things that i did in the past..i dunno..suddenly just have the thought..the past suddenly began to haunt me once again..haiz..just as much as it ry to forget and erase memories of the past, i just can't seem to..why? why? why? jerks... =x

..gd news..bad news..

hey hey..i'd beta get terry to make my blog until very nice like char's! hahakz..her's is like sooo nice..with the cursor thingy..haiz..yeah, i'm so not IT savvy..hehe..oh well..the match last night was like soo great...! how i wished i was there, at the stadium watching it live..so sad ah..haiz.. =(

my comp's like so down now..hahakz..or maybe, i can ask for a new one..with everything new..heez..*wink*wink*

guess what? i heard that sanah and char they all getting me taufiq's album as my birthday present! this is like sooo great..hehe..how nice of them yeah..they even thought of getting it signed by him with a birthday message by him..ooh..

i saw afiq that day..i was in the bus and it passed by mf..i saw at the basketball court playing soccer..he still looks the same, with the bandage on his hand..i really wonder how i'll react when i meet him face-to-face..should i smile at him? or should i just look away? i wonder whether he's completed all his 6 treatments for his tatoos...

oh gosh..my parents finally found about my bill..so sickening..they actually opened up my bill without my permission..yes, i know they are my parents but, hello?! it has my name on it..haiz..and they shouldn't make so much noise because all this while i've been paying for the bill myself and never asked them for the money what..haiyoy..headache ah..

awww...so sweet =)

i'm so happy! my gosh..i can't believe it..my og10 gave me this nice photo gallery frame thingy as a present from all of them..i'm like sooo touched..heez..i was about to cry but i was too engrossed in my roti john..hahakz..hehe..didn't really expect though..i kinda thought that they have something for us but not something like this..OG10, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! YOU GUYS RAWK! Woohoo!!! even para and rui jue..yes, you guys. you rawk too! love ya..heez...

hmm...let's see..will everybody be able to read my blog then? even when i don't know them? hmm..this is kinda scary..hmmm..oh well, whatever..but whatever it is, shh yeah..hehe..

haiz..will what i've been hoping for come true? hmmm..don't wanna set my hopes too high..oh well..hmmm...

oh, and aman, yeah, i've rebonded my hair..hehe..

R E S O L U T I O N S. yeah rite...

heez..just had the mlcs orientation yest..very, very tiring..haiz..can't believe it..i was indeed an extremely happy girl yest..you know why.. ;-)

i dunno why but i feel that i myself am a hypocrite..this sucks so bad..

char gave me this cute little elephant earrings from genting..very cute..wearing it now..heez..

haiz, i dunnolah..i think my life's in such a mess right now..it's like i think i am, but i think i'm not..so confused..heyz, that's my fav song..

resolution for the new year:
1. do all my assignments on time and STOP procrastinating
2. pay attention in all classes, be it tutorials or lectures
3. be nicer to my friends and the people around me
4. cut down on the food that i eat, coz i think i'm gaining weight
5. try to be more patient
6. listen to my parents more
hmmm...anything else? get a bf soon..hahakz..jk..

.:: l o s t 4 w o r d s ::.

one week of orientation is finally over..kinda miss it actually..have to say that i had lots of fun..and i'm glad that og 10 had fun too! you rawk guys..hehe..*muackz*

and now, back to school..hate this..yikes..haiz..oh well, what to do..niwae, made a lot of new frenz..met a lot of new people..very exciting..hehe..

oh yeah, i rebonded my hair..like on new year's day.hehe..i think i look neater now..heez..=P

.c.r.o.s.s.r.o.a.d.s.

hey hey..i'm at my sis' house now..doing research for my gp assignment..gosh..only one week left before school reopen..and i haven't done a single assignment! goodness gracious...

yippee! i got to become an ogl..so happy..

sick..life's so sick..

do you think i should rebond my hair? my sis looks neater and nicer after she rebonded her hair..maybe i should ask sanah and mum about it..hehe..and so much for hating straight hairs..gosh..

the more i think about it, the more i feel that somehow, i would never get attached again..haiz..

so exciting...=P

yest, we went for adlin's sch year end concert..she was sooo cute..my goodness..with her hair bunned up and make-up applied on her..gorgeous..selamat berhari raya..hehe..she danced to that song..

i'm going for my holidays tml!!! i'm so excited..going to bangkok..supposed to go langkawi, den changed to bintan then now bangkok..went there already..going for the second time..hehe..and i'm gonna do lots and lots of shopping..hehe..

i got to talk to him that day! was so happy..couldn't be happier..he sounded good..hehe..he's coming back from his hols next week..hopefully they have a meeting after i come back..and i hope he'll come..then can see him..haiz..when was the last time i saw him? oh, during jalan raya..and that's like way back..gosh..

nowadays, like everyday also i go out..with has..so happy..

i can't believe it..i got tons and tons of homework..and i haven't even started doing a single one of it..did i complain abt this in the previous entry? can't help it..it's annoying me..aargh!!!!

why is the time crawling so slowly? can't wait to meet up with has and do our shopping..actually, her shopping..hehe..but well, i enjoy window shopping..

going insane...!

haiz..wonder what's happening to everyone..i guess the way i'm feeling right now is the way my friends felt last time..i mean, c'mon ah..i know he likes her..but please you're attached for goodness sake..even if you're having probs with your bf, no need to go to that extent right..haiz..i guess, that was how i behaved..what the heck..didn't realize it then..only now then i realize..but a bit too late..haiz..i hope she sadar before it's too late..haiz..can't be jealous rite..what for? it's just like i dun wan her to go through what i went through..it sucks..

haiz, and then the debate meeting..what the f***..only me and alvin turned up..and the four that were supposed to turn up didn't turn at all..so irritating..shit lah..and now me and alvin have to do all the work..AARGH!!! no priorities at all..bleaghx

i'm sitting in the school library waiting for my mlcs meeting to start..haiz..always not punctual one..why ah..haiz..me and liyana here already..waiting for the other two..haiz..and he's not here..he's flying off today..no wonder he never came for today's meeting..heez

.:: confused ::.

afiq contacted me that day..last sunday..he called me up eh..was shocked at first..hehe..but then ah, stupid sia..his current gerl wanted to talk to me..and she was like practically interrogating me ah..stupid..attitude problem sia..then i was thinking, did he purposely do that so that i won't bother him anymore? but it's not that i want to bother him..haiz..i mean, even after all that has happened, i am still treating him as a fren of mine..but to him, it's like, if we're not together, we can never be friends..so narrow minded..haiz~

why must i always be the one that the current gfs of my ex-bfs attack? am i that unlucky?!

haiz~ j, nor and san found out abt it already..haiz~ it seems that he told her..yeah2, go and tell everyone..it makes you happy and feel contented rite to see me suffering? i wonder what do they think of me now..i think their perception of me changed already..haiz..

am i leading such an unlucky life? why must all this happen to me? haiz..SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

i just found out yest that zulfadli's fond of me..hahakz..so funny..he even keeps my pic in his phone..brr..and well, azroy's fond of me too..gosh..and there's this guy that i got to know from am, tahir, i think he is too..gosh..i dunno eh..like, not interested gitu..coz i think now, me not really interested in these kinda things anymore considering what happened in my past relationships..mcm dah serik gitu kan..like guys tink when they berkenalan ngan pompuan, mesti kena jadi matair punya..apa sak..narrow minded..just like afiq..

had my ogl workshop for the past two days..so tiring..so dead..only had like 2hrs of sleep every nite..

ooh..my frenz coming to my house today for steamboat..hehe..i should be making a move soon..so exciting..

.:: what the heck lah ::.

so annoying..my gosh..if i knew this would happen, i wouldn't even have added luqman on friendster..oh well, what the heck..i mean, seriously, i have no ulterior motices or bad intentions for adding him..all i wanted to do is to get back in contact with my pri sch peeps..is there anything wrong with that? oh well, mayb, it's bcoz i was his ex-gf and that made the friend request looked damn suspicious..WHATEVER! how on earth would i noe that it was a shared account? oh well, JC, i'm sooo sorry if i'm intruding in your love life..gosh..did it look that bad?! and i tot it was him who asked me who am i..who on earth knew that it was his gf instead? sorie luqman..f***

sooo much homework..just received gp hw..gosh..so annoying..should start studying and doing my homework indeed..

so excited..later my frenz coming to my sister's house to eat steamboat..hehe..

oh well, no mood already..that JC really spoil my mood..

...boring...

oh well, it's the holidays now..didn't go for my ltc..haiz..wasted..i feel so guilty..sanah must be so mad at me..haiz..

i went for all my three jln rayas last week..the first one was with the ny people..oklah, not bad..syahman joined us at cikgu's house..he looked so smart! hehe..so nice..but too bad, didn't take pic with him..didn't wanna give away too much niwae..

then, went out with my pri sch peeps..went to luqman's hse..that's another cute one..but just found out just now that he's attached..been with his gf for 2 years already..added him on friendster..see how it goes lah eh..quite disappointed..hahakz..*blush*blush*

den mf peeps..fiq came along..felt awkward at first but oklah, i mean just heck care..den should be ok rite..his house damn big ah..very nice also..and i think nor likes him..hehe..can feel it..

so tired..hari2 jln raya..penat sak..haiz..

...sianz...

just finished my a maths paper 2..gosh..it was so hard! oh man, well i didn't study so can't really be blamed huh? hehe..oh well, hari raya's here..so exciting..

i just received my bill yest..and my goodness, it went up to 80+bucks! luckily, i'll haf my duit raya..if not i think i'll go bankrupt..haiz..balak dah menimpa..

i msged him the eve of raya..you know, that kind of forwarded raya msg..and guess wat?! he didn't even save my number! pengz..but yeah, after knowing that it was me, he was being kinda friendly but kept on hinting that i'll be happy with my loved one..my special guy lah tu..special guy kepala otak dia..how i wish i could see him again..

here i am advising azhar about su, but i can't even apply it to myself..very sad you know..and i was actually telling mus abt it last night..

talking abt mus, he's actually thinking of matchmaking me and azhar again! dream onlah eh, my beloved shepherd..

can't wait for my jln raya with friends..but i'm not so looking forward to the mf one..why? i scared of meeting taufiq..i dunno..on raya, i msged him and you know, apologise (even though it's kinda too late)..yeah, it's gonna be so awkward..haiz..i really dunno what to do..haiz..he hates me to the core i tell you! ~

my room now has a new look! so exciting..hehe..it's more spacious now..and i simply love my bed..even though it's the old bed..hehe..love it, like it..=)

i really think i should my parents for internet connection yeah..should..asap..heez..

...bored...

it's holidays once again..but here i am stuck in school..haiz..i should really get for internet connection man..this is driving me nuts! gosh..niwae, this boredom is really driving me nuts..tell you something..i am actually having a crush on somebody! heez..just having a fun crush and simply from far..it's not somebody that i talk to everyday..it's just that i dunno..he's just different from the other guys that i know of..and char and sanah calls him "youseetoomuch"..haha..
but then, i just realized how hard it is to actually forget someone whom you used to really, really love so much..up till now, i still can't forget Afiq..i know that i'm hoping for too much by sending him the card raya and stuffs..i dunno..it's been like a month plus now and yet, i still can't forget him..he's still in my mind..sometimes, i would just like think about the good old times that we had last time..smile to myself..and simply miss those times..haiz..i dunno..am i being stupid or something? gosh..and maybe because of this, i simply wont be able to accept another guy? i dunno..n niwae, i don't intend to get into a relationship so soon..wanna enjoy life..but how to when i seem to be thinking about him all the time?!
i dunno..it's like i'm going through a phase of insecurity and stuffs..did things that i'm not supposed to and feel horrible after that..so cheap..haiz..what's come over me?!

so sianz...

i'm now in school..in the school's comp lab..trying to do my pw..tying up loose ends..haiz..only when pw is ending then my group seems to be having so much troubles..haiz..it seems like everybody going up againt terry like that..very sad you know..but i have to admit that i'm the one who is the most irritated with him..why? because he doesn't even seem interested at all..haiz..whatever lah eh..can't really be bothered..a few more days to go and i'll be free from all these obligations..=P
i'm so confused now..this godbrother of mine actually tole me that he has been liking me eversince he was in sec 1 and is still likingme up till now..the thing is. i've always treated himas my adik and has never thought of you know..last time, he always calls me kakak but now, ever since that day, he addresses himself as 'I' and me 'You'..i feel kinda wierd actually..i dunno..i mean, i dun really haf those kinda feelings for him you know..i dunno..furthermore, i'm not ready for another one just yet..i prefer to lie low..haiz..i dunno..i dun want to give him the wrong impression and even when i do talk to him or ask him to accompany me somewhere, the thought that i have in mind is that he's still the godbrother that i'll always have..nothing more than that..haiz..but, i really dunno how to tell him that..haiz..what should i do now?
i really dunno but you know raya's coming and i've told my ma that i would want to make my choc chip cookies..and i had this crazy thought last night..my mind went to 'him'..i dunno why..he loves choc chip cookies..and i was even thinking of giving him some..maybe thru hissister or something..i dunno..i think i'm crazy..gosh..dunnolah..should i?i think i'm really being crazy..haiz..i dunno..oh well..
getting back results today..the results slip i think..yeah..i wonder how is my overall results..hmmm...
nowadays, like i dunno why but i'm easily irritated with one of my frenz..i dunno why you know..haiz..then, i think can sense ah..like i can't really be bothered gitu..hmmm..maybe, it's just me..haiz..muz try to adapt to my surroundings easily..oh well..whatever yeah...

it's over...

it's finally over..on 11-10-2004...not that i'm supposed to be happy and joyful abt it..but when i think back abt his reaction and attitude then, i'm glad i need not go through all this suffering any longer..his attitude sucks big time..he can't seem to be bothered at all..having fun with some other girls indeed..whatever yeah..and what else..not wanting to let go coz he's scared that he'll regret..what does he take me for in the first place?! gosh.and he still can think that there's another guy waiting for me..yeah right..look who's talking man..F***...somehow, i feel liberated..but deep down inside, even though it has been over like a few days ago, i still feel the pain and lost now..i dunno..i think i'm being stupid..gosh..if i were to tell this to sanah, char and shannon, confirm they'll start scolding me..i am trying my best to forget abt everything and all but i just can't..i mean, yeah, i should be angry for all the things that he's been doing behind my back all this while but i dunno..i guess, this feeling that i'm having is unexplainable..i myself can't understand..it's like i'm angry at him yet, i'm feeling the lost..i dunno..haiz..can't believe that all's lost in a matter of time..i still can't believe it..i dunno..honestly, sometimes, when i think back, i dunno why but i think i shouldn't have called it off..i dunno..here i am trying to act brave in front of people yet, i'm fighting against myself inside..and it's so hard for me to pour things out..haiz..i'm feeling more and more troubled now..gosh..if only he had said something then..maybe i would have felt better..i heard that he's sick..a part of me really wants to knpw what's wrong with him...haiz..can't believe this..what should i do???

hmm...

haiz~ well, we managed to talk things out and everything..and i'm not sure then whether it'll only made matters worse..then, i decided to write a letter to him ah..and when he got it, i got kinda scolding from him..gosh..now i really don't know whether he means anot when he decides to give this relationship a chance..haiz..oh yeah, we're like together again..not that we ever broke up though..but i just hope that things will be like last time..i mean, i really miss those times ah..he just makes my day..he's always capable of making me laugh..miss him so much..haiz..i dunno lah..i just hope that things work out well this time yeah..

...not e way i want things to turn out...

haiz..i really dunno what to do now..i think he's like waiting for me to msg ah..today's our 8 months anniversary..haven't even heard from him..somehow, a part of me really wants himt o msg even if it's just a goodnight msg or something..or at least, wish me happy anniversary..gosh..i really dunno what to do..i've already promised notot msg him no matter what happens but what if he just doesn't care? i'm so down now..what happens if he feel that breaking up is the best thing to do? the only thing that i'm afraid of is that he'll go back to his old ways and that's the last thing that i want him to do..that's what fiz said too..he said be careful..i'm so berbelah-bagi now..dunno what to do..haiz..oklah, fine..maybe it'smy fault..i'm really sorry..maybe i shouldn't get worked up or something..maybe it's a small matter to you and maybe, you really think that i'm blowing it up..i'm really sorry..gosh..should i? or should i not? how i wish that i know what he's actually thinking rite noe..i really wish..maybe, he thinks that i'm so angry and he just wants to let me cool down first? but..gosh..i really dunno..this is really unexpected ah..i really thought that he'll msg me today or something..i just realized something, i still love him! maybe, he just don't wanna stress me with his problems? if that's what bugging him rite now ah..gosh..

so much for my happy ending.....=(

haiz..here i am in the sch library wif my crazy nu-er sitting next to me..hehe..the past few days have been damn rough for me..because of who else? him ah..he's the cause of my endless suffering now..cannot take it eh..he see me so quiet, so soft-hearted, then want to take advantage of me ah..rubbish..he's like acting so cold towards me now ah..with his damn f***ed up attitude..haiz..and you know what char said? maybe he's got another gerl! geez..if really, then i 'll just go up to him and give him a tight slap on the face ah.. mcm ape gitu kan..so much for he saying that i'm the one that keeps him going all those s**t. whatever lah..i mean, come on lor..i'm alway willing to put aside time for you but you dun even bother to do the same for me? haiz..i told sanah already, this is the last straw..if this still doesn't work out, then too bad for him..yes, i do admit that it will be heartbreaking for me, after all the effort i've put into this relationship and all the love that i've given him but what to do..the thing is, he knows that he's making me suffer..maybe he's doing this on purpose? gosh..all i want to do now is to be able to talk to him ah..i dun want my days to be spoiled just thinking about this s**t. it's annoying me..AARGH!!!!! I can't take it anymore. he doesn't even want to listen to me now. what's the point of continuing the relationship? haiz..and i though that i've found the one..fat hope..i dun care anymore now ah..he can do whatever he wants now and i don't care.. maybe, i'm controlling him too much.. but what the heck..he's driving me to my grave eh..muhd nur afiq, i just wanna tell you, stop treating me like shit! i can't take anymore of your nonsense already!

B.S.

i think my relationship now is currently on the rocks..serisouly..baru nak berbaik semula, dah gaduh lagi..niwae, dia yang slalu kluar ngan kawan dia abeh baru satu hari nak spend time ngan dia, he chose to sleep..ape seh..abeh, lagi boleh ckp i'm selfish?! what the heck..oklah, he's tired and everything but he brought it upon himself pe..he knows that he'll go out wif me if he doesn't haf the interview thingy..so, izzit my fault?! what the heck lah..i was telling sanah, char and saerah abt it then sanah tanya lah whether i'm contemplating a break-up..i dunno..i mean, this is lthe last thing that i want to be stressing abt..dahlah i'm so stressed already..merepek seh..haiz..to me, he dun seem to care anymore..he's changed..i think..it's so hard to talk to him now..haiz..i dunnolah..it was very relaxing yest..i went out ON MY OWN! to esplanade and everything..so calming..

enough is enough

guess what? he msged me in the morning just now..hehe..saying that i'm really angry..of course ah..what does he expect? haiz..dunnolah..but in the end i just told him to forget about it..am i always this soft-hearted? char told me things that sanah told her when she confide her probs with vin..and she said that i'm experiencing exactly what she used to experience..is this true? haiz..i dunno lah.. i sometimes feel that i dun get as much attention from him like before..haiz..maybe i'm always hoping to be with him that kinda thing you know..but i am leading my own life what..so what's the problem? sigh~ and the thing is i am not even able to tell him things..somehow he scares me..i'm scared that if i were to tell him things he would resort to doing stupid things and like reverting back to his old self..and i so dun wan that! he's that kind of person ah..that time already thinking of gg to the disco..haiz..how i wish i can tell him what i'm truly, really feeling..how i wish! it's so hard to get him on the phone even ah..haiz..whatever lah eh..somehow, i can't seem to be bothered already..quite getting sick and tired..

so so tired!!!!!!

haiz..having the long break now..so tired and sleepy..supposed to be doing my drq..but nvm..nobody did it anyway..hehe..sanah didn't come sch today..got nobody to go to the ocip thingy with..haiz~ i dun even noe whether i'll be allowed to go lor..haiz..what if they dun allow me? shoot..haiz~ i'm so angry with that guy lor..gosh..oh well, maybe, like i always say, i expect too much out of him..he never msg me back last night ah..see for long this is gonna happen..dun care..not going to msg him until he msg me..huh! let him noe that i'm unhappy with him..oh well..i think it's either i give in to him too much or i'm being too hrash on him..haiz..niwae, promos is in like 32 days and i'm still not budging from my seat! gosh..should really start studying eh..but how? so many things gg on..today got the gpa meeting..at bugis eh..until night time..then tml got merry widow..sat got the dialogue session..haiyoy! headache ah..then the september holidays all taken up by remedials and tests and everything lah..gosh..my headache's getting worse!!!! oh well, how on earth do you upload any image here ah? gosh..