so sianz...

i'm now in school..in the school's comp lab..trying to do my pw..tying up loose ends..haiz..only when pw is ending then my group seems to be having so much troubles..haiz..it seems like everybody going up againt terry like that..very sad you know..but i have to admit that i'm the one who is the most irritated with him..why? because he doesn't even seem interested at all..haiz..whatever lah eh..can't really be bothered..a few more days to go and i'll be free from all these obligations..=P
i'm so confused now..this godbrother of mine actually tole me that he has been liking me eversince he was in sec 1 and is still likingme up till now..the thing is. i've always treated himas my adik and has never thought of you know..last time, he always calls me kakak but now, ever since that day, he addresses himself as 'I' and me 'You'..i feel kinda wierd actually..i dunno..i mean, i dun really haf those kinda feelings for him you know..i dunno..furthermore, i'm not ready for another one just yet..i prefer to lie low..haiz..i dunno..i dun want to give him the wrong impression and even when i do talk to him or ask him to accompany me somewhere, the thought that i have in mind is that he's still the godbrother that i'll always have..nothing more than that..haiz..but, i really dunno how to tell him that..haiz..what should i do now?
i really dunno but you know raya's coming and i've told my ma that i would want to make my choc chip cookies..and i had this crazy thought last night..my mind went to 'him'..i dunno why..he loves choc chip cookies..and i was even thinking of giving him some..maybe thru hissister or something..i dunno..i think i'm crazy..gosh..dunnolah..should i?i think i'm really being crazy..haiz..i dunno..oh well..
getting back results today..the results slip i think..yeah..i wonder how is my overall results..hmmm...
nowadays, like i dunno why but i'm easily irritated with one of my frenz..i dunno why you know..haiz..then, i think can sense ah..like i can't really be bothered gitu..hmmm..maybe, it's just me..haiz..muz try to adapt to my surroundings easily..oh well..whatever yeah...

it's over...

it's finally over..on 11-10-2004...not that i'm supposed to be happy and joyful abt it..but when i think back abt his reaction and attitude then, i'm glad i need not go through all this suffering any longer..his attitude sucks big time..he can't seem to be bothered at all..having fun with some other girls indeed..whatever yeah..and what else..not wanting to let go coz he's scared that he'll regret..what does he take me for in the first place?! gosh.and he still can think that there's another guy waiting for me..yeah right..look who's talking man..F***...somehow, i feel liberated..but deep down inside, even though it has been over like a few days ago, i still feel the pain and lost now..i dunno..i think i'm being stupid..gosh..if i were to tell this to sanah, char and shannon, confirm they'll start scolding me..i am trying my best to forget abt everything and all but i just can't..i mean, yeah, i should be angry for all the things that he's been doing behind my back all this while but i dunno..i guess, this feeling that i'm having is unexplainable..i myself can't understand..it's like i'm angry at him yet, i'm feeling the lost..i dunno..haiz..can't believe that all's lost in a matter of time..i still can't believe it..i dunno..honestly, sometimes, when i think back, i dunno why but i think i shouldn't have called it off..i dunno..here i am trying to act brave in front of people yet, i'm fighting against myself inside..and it's so hard for me to pour things out..haiz..i'm feeling more and more troubled now..gosh..if only he had said something then..maybe i would have felt better..i heard that he's sick..a part of me really wants to knpw what's wrong with him...haiz..can't believe this..what should i do???