.:: second entry ::.

guess wat?! i got a schock of my life during econs tutorial just n ow..how can i possibly enter an econs quiz?! when my econs is like bleaghx..haiyoy..even though it's just an mcq thingy..and it's on rahman's birthday..haiz..and he asked me to join..not that i volunteered..haiyoy..how like that..goodness..oh well..i think i just try my best lah yeah..heez..

shannon and char left me alon in sch lah now..haiyoy..neva msg me all..i noe i didn't answer your call..but neva msg me..sob sob..

he replied my message..sent me an e-mail..wonder what the message is about..hmm..

.:: wondering ::.

i dunno..i think i haf been secretly liking this guy without realizing it..coz all i did all this while was kept on sayong that he was cute..heez..he's a year younger..used to be from my sch..not anymore now..i always imagine seeing him.. like just now in the morning, on the way to sch..i tot i saw him walking to sch like last time..haiz..and he gave me a testimonial..many testi, like really nice and sweet..and there were a few already and my friends said that it's kinda obvious that he likes me..i dunno..and there was a recent one..lyrics from a song..and then i sent him a msg asking him whether he really means it..jus wondering lah..haiz~

Constantly you're on my mind and I think about you all of the time and even though words are hard to say, I miss you, never thought I'd feel this wayYou know how I'm feeling, it's you I believe inCan't you see that I need you?Nobody's there when I call your name and nights are cold without your flame but if I could, I'd make you see that I'm sorry and that I need you here with meEveryday reminisce with the past and how we used to be when it was you and me?How did it all disappear so fast?There are days that I can't forget, there are things that I now regretI was there for you when you were there for meEvery night when I'm laying in my bed, I hear your voice going round in my headThink of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have saidI really will make it up to you, I know now what I've got to doIt took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing youYou know that it's true everytime I see your face, I miss you

so that was it..what you think? haiz..

i dunno..i think i'm forgetting him already..succesful..coz i occupy myself with other stuffs..and making myself believe that i like somebody else..haiz..damn pathetic..bleaghx..

.:: wondering why ::.

i dunno why but i just can't seem to forget about him..both hims..him in my oast and the him that i used to like..the more i try to forget, the more i can't seem to forget..it's annoying..i dunno..nowadays, everything that he does seems to make me feel paranoid and stuffs..i dunno..i think i noe who he likes..izaf..i can see it..especially yesterday..why didn't i see it rite from the beginning? now, i noe the feeling of liking somebody and yet, the person doesn't like you back or he just doesn't noe..i dunno..bleaghx..hate this..sometimes, i just wish that people will stop asking me abt him..then maybe, i can stop thinking abt him..then, i can forget him..i noe that i haf been saying that i dun like him anymore but i just realised that it is so not true..haiz!

the him in my past...i dunno..suddenly, my past just came back to me yesterday and i can't just can't accept the way things are now..i now that i shouldn't brood over what has happened..but i dunno..haiz..why?! why must things always end up this way?! why?!

hate myself..just simply hate myself..grr..

.:: excited ::.

mlcs j1 orienatation today..quite excited..hehe..dunno why..muahaha..i heard that there's this guy that is born in 1986..how cool..tt means, one year older than us..ah..icic..but didn't get to see who he was..=( ^get a conrol of yourself mardi^ goodness..

again, gpa..very, very excited..! cause my baju is like super, duper nice lah..hehe..i like..muahaha..=D

realize my entries nowadays haf been very, very vague..no mood lah..just got nothing to say but just felt like saying something..hehe..=P lamo me..hehe

talked to this guy last night..he's in am..but then he's like soooo chinese lah..his ma's malay..but, he's not a muslim..that makes him off my list..hehe..and he is like sooo despo to get a gf lah..dun like this kinda guy..yucks! hehe..i think i'm being mean..

hate myself..i dunno why..just hate myself..was thinking abt it last night..and the thing is i can't find the reason why i actually hate myself..haiz..~

.:: wat am i taken for ::.

haiz..i dunno..am i taken for granted? i've got nothing to do with them anymore wat..izzit because i'm still considered as a part of family too to her? haiz..i dunno..financially, i'm unstable too..but i think i still consider her as a sister of mine too..and i sympathize with her..i noe how the family is like..i think i haf no choice but just to help..haiz..there goes my money...how am i gonna get $18 by tonight? haiz..oh well..

.:: bleaghx ::.

.:: in a mess ::.

sometimes i just feel like as if i haf no extended family at all...haiz..i dunno..everything's in shambles now..my family like isolate ourselves from everybody else gitu..quite sad actually..but it's not our fault..i really think it's their fault too..haiz..

gpa's soon..like this coming sat..hehe..the baju for my emcee, damn nice..hehe..really like pengantin like that..hehe..i like..sooo nice..the thing is now, i dunno whether on tt day i shud wear tudung for emcee-ing anot..as in, my ma keep on pushing for it..but the thing is, it's gonna be like wat and all coz wen i go there i'm not wearing..then when i'm emcee-ing i'm wearing..then after that not wearing anymore..nanti org ingatkan ape pula kan..i dunno..i think i shud just convince nek uda..or maybe, i shall ask liyana later..haiz..

meeting khairul today for dinner..quite scared actually..haiz..oh well..hope everything gonna turn out fine..

i dun wanna get back my results for block test..haiz..just dun wanna noe..

i really, really hope that unwanted people do not get to see this blog of mine..freaky actually..

.:: feeling better ::.

i dunno..i feel better now..in all aspects..even though i didnt study for lit block test..oh well..what the heck..

girl, you must try to forget about him k? think of me more, then problem solved liaoz..hehe..

i didn't know that there are many people out there who went thru what i went thru..guess i'm not alone..

the year 1s are in..quite excited..got quite a few malays..not bad..

gpa finals is like next week..quite tension-e-mania actually..but quite excited coz i'll be wearing baju pengantin with fazli..muahaha..early preparation..can feel how it's like being a raja sehari..hehe..

mind blank..dunno what to say..toodles then..=)

.:: bleaghx ::.

my block test so far..i think it's a disaster..just finished econs today..omg..i think it's a total wreck..like seriously..haiz..oh well..didn't really sleep last nite..now having all the stomach aches and headaches in the world..it's a damn sad case..

char baby, you dun sad, sad okie..we'll always be here for you..just remember whatever happens, there'll always be bao bao..muahaha..jk..=P

haiz..no mood..i think now..can't feel any emotion at all now..haiz..oh well..

.:: bleaghx ::.

.:: terrbile lah ::.

gosh..first day of block test already so terrible..cannot take it lah now..haiz..madness..the malay paper was full of rubbish lah okie..let me tell you..there were supposed to be four salina questions, choose two..only got three..there were supposed to be four cerpen questions, choose two..out of the four, we've only done one of the cerpens..what rubbish is this lah..then in the end had to do all three of the salina questions..the cerpen question..happened to be the one that i didn't read..wat luck..bleaghx..

gp..not so bad lah..i think the compre like hmmm..no comments actually..the essay..wrote nonsense..

tml, no paper..but wed got econs..thurs got lit..haiz..

feeling sick again..exams just make me sick..d-uh..

.:: guilt taking over ::.

heez..went to study at raffles place..productive..very happy..

feeling extra guilty now..i hope you'll be able to read this..

i'm sorry..i noe that you mite be wondering why i didn't contact you these past few days..i've been quite busy..i'm really sorry..i told ya i'd call but i didn't..as soon as i reached home, i went out again with my family and by the time i reached home, it was very late already..i'm really sorry..i noe that you mite be thinking like what the heck and all..sorry..i noe that sorry can't help solve everything..

i noe that i've not been spending much time with you guys..i'll make up for it aite?

haiz..~

.:: why?! ::.

can't believe it lah..i think he has a gf..he has a gf!!! all my hopes are like totally dashed already..haiz..at least last time i could like reassure myself that you know maybe he just doesn't like me..but now, it's confirmed that he has a gf..haiz~ what luck..

my parents...can't believe it..haiz..

nothing much to say..block test next week..still struggling to study..oh well..

.:: aloha ::.

hahakz..it's been a while since i last blog huh? updates, updates...

::[friday]::
-> went to buy new contacts (hahakz)
-> ate lunch at haig road..in my sch u! madness..

::[saturday]::
-> went for NUS open house..the place looks soooo dead!
-> went out with char and shannon..took neoprints..i look spastic..(as normal..what's new? hahakz..)
-> went to kak lin's wedding at night..stayed until like 2am in the morning...my own cousin couldn't even recognize me! what the heck..

::[sunday]::
-> was at kak lin's wedding the whole day..met up with my beloved and wacky cousin, shiqah..hahakz..

::[monday]::
-> went for the third round of the space debate..oh my..we lost..again..never done so badly before..
-> went to bugis with sanah and char..we were the wackiest we could ever be yesterday..took neoprints again..hahakz..

::[today]::
-> in sch waiting for malay class...
-> no updates yet coz it's just the beginnning of the day..muahaha..

------------------------------------

i think my brother-in-law is such a whatever..you know what her said? he said, "i've already advised before you go to jc..now you regretting rite? not majoring in something when you go to the uni later..." what the heck lah k..i'm not regretting alrite..grr..

nothing much to say already..i didn't noe that you can use msn from the internet..wow..learn somethine new everyday..hahakz..

.:: empty mind ::.

i dunno what's wrong with me..i dunno what's happening to me too..haiz..i really dunno..i dunno what i'm doing..why am i feeling this way? AARGH!!!!! i can't take it anymore..somebody slap me! geez...

oh well..but then i dun think it's as bad az i think it is..i think i'm bringing it upon myself..oh well..

such a nice testimonial from him..i really dunno whether something's going on..haiz..oh well..we'll just wait and see ah..

took the same bus as the st gab's guy today..it seems that he also take bus from the central bus stop with his fren..he taking earlier bus now..hehe..

bleaghx..

.:: once again ::.

i became the emcee for gpa finals..i dunno..i feel kinda guilty..like why me? coz my partner's supposed to be alfiyan and yet his partner is not liyana? i dunno..i feel damn guilty..it's not that i wanted to..i should have said something then..i dunno..i'm sooo sorry..i know that you'll read this..i'm so sorry..=(

meeting yesterday was sucky..haiz..i dunno..no comments..everytime after meeting comfirm i'll be in a foul mood one..and some more sat beside that somebody yesterday..everything also must quarrel one..not on agreeable terms anymore..i think he's giving me the cold shoulder nowadays..whatever..i think i can't be bothered anymore...no point bothering..haiz..

i think i'll turn over a new leaf..in every aspect..must try..

i dunno but i just cant seem to do anything when i reach home..everyday, when i reach home, i'll bathe, maybe eat, and then straight to me bed..why ah? haiyoy..can't even do any work..

block test is in like 2 weeks...my gosh..how like that? must study during the holidays..hmmm..

i think whatever i was feeling in the past coming back again..wanting to please others all the time and always think about what others would think of me..how i wish i just can't seem to be bothered by all these...but i can't seem to..i dunno..maybe i dun gif a hoot about things anymore and maybe that's a good sign? i'm damn confused..dun even noe what i'm blabbering about now..haiz..

.:: chillackz ::.

haiz haiz..so many people feeling confused yeah..so poor thing..you dun stress too much girl..dun think too much and stress yourself..aite? *muackz* love ya..now you sitting next to me..so you cannot see okie? hehe..anything, just tell me yeah..i'll always be here for you!!! love ya...! =P

i was in the room with him alone yesterday..but he just left soon after that..i mean after looking at the trophies all..he just left..without even saying bye..quite sad actually..even though i keep telling myself that i dun wan to think about it or anything like that..but i think i can't seem to help it..haiz..oh well..

i dunno why the girls keep in saying that nadihahs likes me..really ke? nolah..i doubt so..haiyoy..it's just friendly gestures you know..hehe..

haiz..dunno what to say much actually..just felt like blogging in the morning..like some kind of routine like that..oklah..not so exciting entry..but indeed on a happy note..

till then..*muackz* to all!!!

.:: things seem to be picking up ::.

it's been a while since i last had a happy entry..i just realized that..hahakz..=P

i'm quite glad actually..things seem to be getting better around here..quite happy actually..my parents starting to talk to me..friends are all doing ok..glad that she's back in sch now..heez..

i tell you..i think i'm having some kind of disease or something..you'll understand if you look at my fingers..my gosh..the skin is like peeling off all lah..and by looking at my fingers, you would think that i'm some old grandma or something..hahakz..

tell you, went to Puteri Pan Pacific Hotel at Johor on saturday nite and slept over..madness lah..i think my family all got nothing better to do..haiz..

went out with mus on friday to watch hitch..it's such a nice movie lah..so sad ah..he and his gf broke up already..and guess wat? i found out that azhar has a gf already! hahakz..and her name is like Ini or something..and then she'll call him Itu! hahakz..what a joke..

didn't go out with khairul on saturday..bugger..hehe..but it's ok..actually, kinda scared coz where i got go out with people that i've never gone out before alone seh..heez..oh well..whatever..

i got block test after the one wekk holiday!!!! AARGH!!! must start studying already lor..hehe..=P

dunno why i'm so giggly ah now..heez..nah, not because of him..giving up already..

watched moulin rouge on tv yesterday..sooo nice..crying all...hehe..i was meant for loving you baby you were meant for loving me..hehe..

bought this sling bag yesterday..nike..i kinda regret buying it..scared later give people wrong impression seh..bleaghx...

i think i'm gg to be happy soon..coz i think my hp bill for this month is like way lesser..hehe..

my second sis and her hubby bought new phone all ah..some sony ericson that has a camera..haiz..

.:: what shud i do? ::.

tot of just 'penning' down my thoughts before going for debate later..hmmm..second entry of the day..

finally i've completed my carnal knowledge essay..what a relief..but i think seriously, i wrote like total rubbish lah ok..haiz..oh well..still gor the othello essay to do..due tml..still must read my othello text..how can i possibly finish reading the text by tonight? haiz..must try..oh well..

suddenly my past just came back to me..it's not anybody's fault..dun worry..i think i shouldn't be hiding soo many things from people..haiz..i dunno..i'm such a loser..afraid to do so many things..even telling the truth..my gosh..i dunno..but you know sometimes the feeling when you just dun feel like talking and you just dun feel like telling anybody anything? yet, you just want to tell somebody coz you just feeling lonely and nobody to talk to..i dunno..i really dunno what's happening to me..i just feel that my past has totally made me into a different person now..not totally..but somewhere there you know..haiz..

how i wish things were like last time you know..no need to worry about so many things..can tell everything..haiz..i'm sorry..i didn't mean it to be this way..how i wish i can tell you straight out what i'm really feeling..but the problem is, i can't even understand myself..yet again, i reall i wish i could..

everything just sound and seems to be wrong nowadays..i dunno..i think i'm going mad..haiz..losing control of myself..why must you do this to me? why must you spoil my future indeed..haiz..oh well..

char's looking at me now..investigating every single word i'm typing..heez..

good...but i dun want to go to his club..i'm so lazy to travel you know..hehe..oh well.. =P

feel like eating something soupy now..to cool myself down..oh well..

till next time, when i'm feeling better..hehe..

.:: amazed ::.

liyana said i'm in trouble..am i the wrong signals? i wonder..what if the one that i'm having feelings for thinks that i'm falling in love with somebody else? haiz..this is the last thing that i want to happen..i dunno..i was thinking he treats everybody the same..sanah and shannon told me a few possibilities that can be happening..but i dunno..he's interested to get to know girls from like other school maybe..i shouldn't raise my hopes so high..i dunno lah..haiz..

i'm glad things are ok now..FRENZ FOREVA!!!! *muackz*

i told myself to stay back in school maybe and study everyday..if not, finish up my homework all..if not, i dun go home..even if i havent finish my work yet, i'll stay at the void deck and finish up..i will only go up after i'm done with my assignments..yes..i will do that..

my ma doesn't know that i'm wearing contact lens..she asked for my specs just now before i left house for sch..haiz..i wonder what her reaction would be when she finds out..oh well..

people are doing sooo well for their o levels ah..i can't believe that the average aggregate would be like 12-13..and that's like mine lah ok..i feel damn stupid now lah..and i found out something..he got 13 too! heez..what a coincidence...

should bring sanah all go fork & spoon one day..i didnt know that it was just like another banquet..but the laksa i ate..my gosh..it was vegetarian by the way..no lemak like that..haiz..

i dunno why..like found out yesterday, suddenly everybody having like some kind of breakdown like that..why ah? and i thought i was the only one..guess i'm not alone now..we all should sit down and study together aite? heez..

.:: heez ::.

well, well, well..i'm sooo glad that you did well for your o levels yeah..hope you'll stay in nanyang yeah..all the best to you in the future..heez..can't believe you sat with me and had a chit-chat wif me just now..hehe..oh well..all the best again..and congrats..

now, ir eally dunno what's going on..i bet a lot of things happened yesterday..i really need to fill myself in yeah..haiz..

my ma thinks i'm a big girl now..sarcastically..damnit..

i still havent done both my lit test! aargh!!!!!

there seems to be a cultural exchange today with the sm2 scholars..haiz..wonder what we gonna do..

going out wif mus on friday and khairul on saturday..watching movie..constantine on friday and i wonder what i'm gonna watch on saturday..i'm gonna be like soo broke lah..haiz..i quite wonder how it's gonna be like to go out with khairul..neva went out with him before..quite freaky..heez..

oh well...ain't got much to say..to all those who just gotten back their o level results, congrats if you guys did well..if you didn't, dun despair yeah? *muackz*

getting contact lens after using the ones that has gave me..she said wearing contact lens is addictive..hehe..so funny..oh well..use my own money..still got my bill to pay..

sometimes i wonder..i want so many things but i only have a limited amount of money..i think i'm asking for too much you know..yeah..oh well..

we were msging last night..heez..i think, it's okie now you know..and i thought he wanted to say something that i wanted to hear from him when he didn't complete his msg but in the end it was nothing..so the anti-climax..haiz..

oh yeah, he and fiz giving us 50bux to spend on the dikir people..why they soo nice ah? i do wonder sometimes..haiz..

i making a pact to myself..from today onwards, i'm going to study hard and do my work regularly..it's a promise..

.:: why must this happen ::.

oh my gosh..whatever i found out yesterday was like a shock to me lah..how can all this actually be happening? i dunno what might be happening today coz i'm not in school but even if things were to go to normal or anything like that, i doubt it's ever gonna be the same again..it cannot be lah..why? is friendship sooo...? haiz.. i dunno..seriously, i dunno what i'm supposed to feel at all..angry? disappointed? sad? i really dunno..it's just that why should she wanna do that? i just can't understand it..i'm like damn confused now lah..why must it be this way? it's kinda questioning..i dunno..oh well..maybe, we're not giving her our fullest attention? maybe she thinks that we're not siding and defending our friend? oh well..i dunno..i really dunno...can you please tell me why? why the sudden change?! haiz~

oh well...i should stop not coming to school..stop being sick..must take care of myself..and i think, my mum has given up hope in me..again..oh well..whateverlah eh..somehow, i've come to the point where i just couldn't be bothered anymore..oh well..whatever happens, happens..i just wish that sometimes instead of raising their voice at me and scolding me, they would talk tome nicely and stop jumping to conclusions..at least, i think i would appreciate it better..oh well..how i wish, they would take time to understand me more..oh well..even my sisters are like not on my side..they think my parents chasing me out of the house is a funny thing..damnit..

oh well...i'm at a lost..again..how i wish sometimes i can just run away from my problems..i think that's what i'm doing now..oh well..

i need to eat less...i think i'm putting on weight..oh well..haiz..

whateverlah eh people..i think my life's so like sad..i think i should be happier now..see ya..=P