Perhaps..

It feels like an emo, much thinking night tonight.

The past few days of 'spending time' with you has always been with others. There's hardly a time when we can sit down and spend time together properly and have nice chats together. Conversations at night have became a 3minutes phonecall and nothing more.

And tonight, somehow, I just feel that words have been reduced. I felt that perhaps, I'm not good enough for you. That perhaps, sometimes, I'm just hoping for too much. Or that perhaps, sometimes, I'm unable to deliver and giving you the care that you probably need.

Life is a dilemma

Why must there be so much drama in life? Maybe producers of future soap dramas should interview people on the street instead for the storyline of their new production.

I've always thought that the middle child in the family will end up having to play mediator amongst different people. But how come, me, the youngest, end up in doing so? There's the parents, the first sister, the second sister and my own, self interest.

And when i'm still stuck in the dilemma, another 'drama' / 'dilemma' occurs. Do I look that nice to everybody? I just don't want to talk to anybody with regards to that issue now. Now, I know what my mum meant when she said "When people want to borrow big sum of money from you, or just want to borrow money from you, don't relent."

I feel so torn in between.

Big money, big money

Money matters are always ever so sensitive. I find myself in the middle of many people, many things. It's such a sensitive topic.

Often, some will approach me and ask if they could borrow money from me. To some, I refused to budge, to some I relented. However, what happens when it's a family member? I find myself ever so selective on who I give in too. Then again, past experiences of not paying back in time makes me bitter.

And I find it harder when the relative tells me, "Please don't let your mum know or any of my family members know ok?"

In life, you'd always have your good moments and not so good moments. What's important is to ensure that you have a balance of both at any point in time. It's not healthy to be one sided most of the time. You might think I'm blabbering right now. But hey, it's true isnt it? Well, maybe to a certain extent.

I was on the bus to work this morning, and there's always this married couple with their son whom I always (ok, most of the time) see. The wife goes to work, the husband sends the kid to school. What amazes me is that, the couple hardly talks to each other in the bus. The wife will be more interested to entertain the son, and when the son and husband alights from the bus, the wife will give the kid a kiss. What about the husband? Not even a goodbye. It makes me wonder, when a couple gets married, do you subconsciously love your children more than your own spouse? Quite a sad fact isnt it? Love between a couple, or efforts in maintaining the love shouldn't stop when you get married. Well, I guess, no doubt that when you get married, it's more than just love that binds the couple together. It's the responsibility and commitment as well.

Sometimes you realise the meaning of your own actions, but you're just in denial. It takes a third party to make you realise. But with some self-reflection, it makes you realise as well, I'm sure. And with some form of assurance and security, it makes it all well once again.

Both has different issues that they are concerned about. Somehow, I don't know why but I was glad that he brought it up. No relationship is ever perfect. But what's most important is to share your grievances and learn from it, and grow from it.

As much as I don't really fancy those Channel 8 series because sometimes they can just be soooooo ugh, I somehow like this phrase a lot "A little flaw is the most perfect".

Goodnight earthlings. Ima go and think what we can do tmr. :)

I guess just a moment of not thinking about it eases my mind a bit. It just takes some positive energy to let go of the negative ones.

I'm learning to let it go. I'm learning to be more supportive. I'm learning to be more of everything. I'm trying my best still.

For the first time in a long time, I responded when he spoke about the job. Heh~

I love you! *muacks*

If only

If only...If only there's more than 24hours in a day. If only.

If only I have more hands to juggle with everything around me. If only.

Lose yourself

I think I'm slowly losing grip of the things in my life. I don't know why.

Some things happen for a reason. While some happen due to negligences. While some happen purely due to stupidity.

If your face is in this entry, it just goes to show how much u're being missed! (not in missing order. haha~)

What lies ahead...

Too many things have been going on lately. Been messy, messy, messy.

With him being away....Essays and project deadlines looming over my head...Society's events to think of....Managing my time well....Gosh......

It's not easy. And I admire those who have gone through it together, as one. Insya'allah the two of us can get through it too. It'll soon be over but the future that lies ahead of us is unknown. We'll go through with the flow, live our lives as it is, and only hope and pray that it'll end up the way we want it to. Whatever it is, I'll be here for you and will stick by you. I'll be good, waiting for you. You're being missed so, so much.

Will soon be stepping into another stage of my life. Am I ready for the challenges? Will I be up to it?

Mixture of emotions

I should learn to understand myself better. As much as I tried, I still can't understand why I feel a certain way towards certain things. What on earth is wrong with me? Am i being selfish? I wonder...

I feel empty inside. It has just been one night. I kept imagining my phone ringing to the tune of "I Live My Life For You". I kept checking my phone to see that it didn't die on me. Only to remember that hey, he will be away for 6 days. Bestie said that we behaved and sounded like couples who just got together. Heh~

It's the 5th week of semester already. I'd better be pulling my socks up. Last sem, last sem. I must graduate with pleasant looking grades and CAP. If I could do it in the previous sem, I'm sure I can do it too this time round. Go Mardiana Go!

he's back!

He's out for the first time! Woots! He looked super different lah, just like everybody else. To the extent that I couldn't even recognize my own bf. Can you imagine?

It feels so nice. To see him once again, to spend time with him once again. Then again, I felt bad. Coz the timing was kinda off. I wasn't feeling that well, as most would have known. So, he kept asking me whether I was ok.

I guess I tend to shoot off sometimes. And it always gets me into trouble with him. Haiz~

Escape-d

A day out with my buddies today. To escape we will go, to escape we will go, hai ho the merry-o, to escape we will go. The entrance fee was just $8.80! I think it was some anniversary special.

Buddy Luncai was funny! I didn't know he would be so scared of the viking! Still, we made him go on the ride three times. Whahahaha~ The first time, we thought he was faking it. But noooooooo.....all the way he kept shouting, "My balls! My balls!..... I give up! I don't wanna take this again!" Buddy, buddy...

I truly, terribly, deeply, really miss Sayang... =(

I wonder....

I just realised as I was having dinner with his colleagues, that many a time, people do ask me, "How did you manage to tahan his nonsense?" Honestly, I really don't know, coz well, I just did. Haha~ It's amazing isn't it? =P It's those typical questions that people will randomly wonder and start asking you, and amazingly, you just don't seem to have an answer for it. Heh~

What happened, was honestly the wierdest, strangest thing ever. I mean, how? Why? When did it even start? I wonder, what even caused it? Gosh~ I have so many freaking questions in my mind, but oh well.

i wonder...

I wonder... Did the issue caused to behave or treat me differently? Honestly?

Perhaps, I am thinking too much.

But I dunno why, sometimes I feel as if you treat me differently after what had happened.

Haiz~

When..When are we ever going to talk about it?

Feigning ignorance is bliss?

I guess life is better when you don't know certain things. If knowing only causes great hurt and upset, I'd rather not know. I must learn how to gather my courage and be strong to face all these.

At the end of the day, I will seek comfort in the fact that the love is still as strong.

I love you, Sayang. And for all that I've done, I'm sorry...

Hurting in silence....

I'm feeling such pain in me as well.

The whole thing is making me look an idiot, a bitch and what have you.

So it doesn't matter what I say. You think I'm being unreasonable? Petty? Stupid?

And now even my own friend thinks I'm being an idiot as well. Great.
To the fren: I'm sorry if I had sounded harsh towards you. Honestly, it's not your fault. I never did blame you or the trip. I'm sorry.

How I wish you could do things to please me once in a while. At least make me feel that my words or response matter to you.

And to you: I really dunno what else to do to make you understand me, to make you understand how I really think. Maybe, you should talk to your female colleagues more and ask them about it.

It hurts me inside to feel that you make me look ugly, perhaps.

Sigh~

I really dunno what else to do.

Sometimes words are not taken seriously

My heart aches and I don't know why.

Sometimes he makes me feel as if the things that I told him about all these while, were never taken seriously.

If your partner tells you things that he or she doesn't like you to do, coz it makes him/her uncomfortable, will you still do it? Which is more impt? Caring for the emotions of your partner or your own excitement, and occupying your time?

I said something that I doubt he heard, or could have pretended not to hear. I'm having such a difficult time coming to terms with certain things. But then again, I really don't know.

There's nothing to cry about, Mardiana. Why are you even tearing up? Gosh~

I've gotta learn how to deal with my own emotions.

Heavy in the head...

I feel as if I'm the middleman between my parents and my sisters. Haiz~ I'm so torn in between. In the past, when I was younger, I used to make so much noise on how they hardly acknowledge me as part of the family yadah yadah yadah. Now that I'm older, everybody seemed to come to me and whine. Haiz~ This is getting difficult as time goes on.

I know it's a tad too early, but I'm really unsure about my career path. I'm not sure whether to apply as a prisons counsellor (going back to where I was attached to during placement) or applying as an MSW (which means that my social life will be kinda whacked). Confused confused. I thought I had ample time, but as the semester is coming closer to an end, I feel the pressure. It definitely ain't gonna get any easier.

The recess week seemed to haf zoomed off past me. What did I get done? Almost nothing. Goodness gracious~ I really love to procrastinate, don't I?

Now and the future....

I had such a hilarious time during medical lecture. The lecturer is an MSW and apparently, she had an extremely busy day before this, having to be at the hospital for over 21hours. After hearing that, and hearing how busy she can be, I started to think twice about becoming an MSW. What will happen to my social life? What will happen if I were to get married? It'll be so hectic. Then again, insya'allah kalo ade jodoh, Sayang is in the medical line too. Then, we'll have a whole string of future generation in the medical line. Haha~ Perhaps having a doctor would be nice. ;)

The more work I have, the slower I become. I'm feeling so bogged down right now. Ugh~ I feel as if I've lost the motivation and drive that I had when semester started. I seemed to have drained it all away, and I'm only at the halfway mark. Somebody save me, please.

Tuition is giving me the headaches nowadays. Kids nowadays are getting ruder than I thought. The parents think that their children is super angellic, I'm sure. Truth be told, they are they rudest kids I've ever encountered. Ok, perhaps, not till that extent but you getting my drift, right? Scolding doesn't seem to work anymore. Even if it does, maybe for about a minute (can you believe it? Not even 5minutes!).

Reminisce

Seeking and experiencing serenity in the midst of a busy and hectic period of your life definitely feels nice and comforting. Eventually, prayers is the one source to depend on to grant you the serenity and courage that you need to face and overcome the happenings in life.

I was looking through the photo albums of people online and I got a sense of warmth in me when I see pictures of couples celebrating their anniversaries, like 5yrs anniversary kind of thing. I'm impressed and amazed. =) Gave me a very cosy feeling about it. Perhaps a lil bit of envy but I'm happy for these couples. It's definitely not easy to maintain a relationship that has been that long, I'm sure. A lot of effort has to be put in.

When a couple is new and is in their honeymoon stage, everything seems exciting. Both parties will always be doing things to impress one another and sweep their other half off their feet. Slowly but surely, all these spontaneity and excitement seems to die down. That's the challenge I assume being in a relationship for years. You must always try and make an effort to make the relationship as exciting and spontaneous as how it was initially. When a couple manages to do that, I salute them totally. (^-^)

I want to be like that too. =) I'll definitely work towards it. For our happiness and the eternal bliss that we seek for.

I was looking through the messages, e-mails, comments that he wrote to me within the past two and a half years. Sounds sweet and nice and lovely and heartwarming. Then again, I guess I wouldn't get similar msgs now because we've past and over that mark? I hope not.. Heh~ He's still as sweet as he can be.

And I stumbled upon this photo in my pictures folder. That was the day. The day that paved out the journey that I'm having with him now. =) Those of you who knew me since sec sch days or perhaps JC days, will most probably know the meaning behind this picture. =) An innocent farwell, that turned out to be the period where emotions were disclosed. That was three years back. I remembered it being a lil wierd. I was going to check in already, and I was hugging my JC classmates who sent me off. Hugged everybody and then, it was him. We have been good friends, yes, but no skinship whatsoever. I thought I could avoid him then but it would look wierd if I had skipped him. So ya, that moment, was strange? Surreal? I'm not sure. Haha~ But it's definitely a moment that will never fail to put a smile on my face everytime I think about it. I'm sure you remember it too, Sayang. Hee~

I have a freaking presentation in a few hours' time that I'm so not ready and prepared for. I'm officially doomed! Congrats to myself. Well done!