And it's gone. It's making me more suspicious. And it's hurting me deep inside. I can't control these tears anymore.

As much as I know that I should not be jumping to conclusions about it, but I can't help it. What's the explanation for it being gone now? Tell me, tell me.

I'd better be hearing something good from you as an explanation.

I'm losing faith.

All your bags are packed, you’re ready to go
You’re standing there, outside your door
Please wake me up, just to say goodbye
But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn
The taxi’s waiting, and he’s blowing his horn
Already, I’m so lonesome, I could die

So I’ll kiss you, and smile for you
Tell you that I’ll wait for you
Hold you like I’ll never let you go
Cause you’re leaving on a jetplane
But I know you’ll be back again
Oh baby, I wish that you need not go

Every place I go, I’ll think of you
Every song I sing, I’ll sing for you
When you come back, we can down to the beach

Now the time has come, for you to leave
One more time, I wish, I could give you a kiss
Just close your eyes, and you’ll be on your way
Dream about the days to come
When we won’t be left on our own
About the times, that we’ll be here to stay

So I’ll kiss you, and smile for you
Tell you that I’ll wait for you
Hold you like I’ll never let you go
Cause you’re leaving on a jetplane
But I know you’ll be back again
Oh baby, I wish that you need not go

Adapted from Leaving On A Jetplane

=)

Surprise bday celebration for Pak Latip last night. It was fun, it was fantastic! I'm so glad he liked it. =) I enjoyed myself and I'm glad Sayang enjoyed his weekend too. =)

I can't be tearing everytime I send him off, can I? But sending him off this evening was an evening in which I was unable to hold back my tears. Why? I will have to wait patiently for two weeks, and then I'll get to see him. Some of you might think I'm being such a loser, but I guess it's a different feeling when it's someone whom you love ever so dearly and one whome you treasure a lot. I don't know, no words can't seem to describe what I'm currently feeling. I'm just sad.

Kerna Ku Sayang Kamu.....

Seandainya, kau ada disini denganku

Mungkin ku tak sendiri

Bayanganmu, yang selalu menemaniku

Hiasi malam sepiku

Kuingin bersama dirimu

Ku tak akan pernah, berpaling darimu

Walau kini, kau jauh dariku

Kan slalu kunanti

Karna ku sayang kamu

Hati ini, selalu memanggil namamu

Dengarlah melatiku

Ku berjanji, hanyalah untukmu cintaku

Takkan pernah ada yg lain

Adakah rindu di hatimu

Seperti rindu yang kurasa

Sanggupkah kuterus terlena

Tanpamu disisiku, ku kan slalu menantimu

Seandainya, kau ada disini denganku

Mungkin ku tak sendiri

Bayanganmu, yang selalu menemaniku

Hiasi malam sepiku

Kuingin bersama dirimu

Ku tak akan pernah, berpaling darimu

Walau kini, kau jauh dariku

Kan slalu kunanti

Karna ku sayang kamu

Kan slalu kunanti

Karna ku sayang kamu

AlShin's goodbye....

I just watched the recent episode of WGM. *sobs* Made me cry buckets. Lil Miss Bipolar Disorder, u'd know what I mean rite? And now, it's making me miss and yearn for Sayang so, so much!!!!!!!!! =(

Hurting in silence....

I'm feeling such pain in me as well.

The whole thing is making me look an idiot, a bitch and what have you.

So it doesn't matter what I say. You think I'm being unreasonable? Petty? Stupid?

And now even my own friend thinks I'm being an idiot as well. Great.
To the fren: I'm sorry if I had sounded harsh towards you. Honestly, it's not your fault. I never did blame you or the trip. I'm sorry.

How I wish you could do things to please me once in a while. At least make me feel that my words or response matter to you.

And to you: I really dunno what else to do to make you understand me, to make you understand how I really think. Maybe, you should talk to your female colleagues more and ask them about it.

It hurts me inside to feel that you make me look ugly, perhaps.

Sigh~

I really dunno what else to do.

Sometimes words are not taken seriously

My heart aches and I don't know why.

Sometimes he makes me feel as if the things that I told him about all these while, were never taken seriously.

If your partner tells you things that he or she doesn't like you to do, coz it makes him/her uncomfortable, will you still do it? Which is more impt? Caring for the emotions of your partner or your own excitement, and occupying your time?

I said something that I doubt he heard, or could have pretended not to hear. I'm having such a difficult time coming to terms with certain things. But then again, I really don't know.

There's nothing to cry about, Mardiana. Why are you even tearing up? Gosh~

I've gotta learn how to deal with my own emotions.

Eventful day it was

Today was too much of an event to not talk about it. Seriously. There were good times, bad times, laughter, tears. Name it, there was everything and all sorts of emotions involved.

1) My shoes slipped off my feet for at least 5 times in school. The first was on the pavement, where everybody could see and I swear that the history lecturer in the car was smiling/sniggering away when he saw it. The other times that it slipped off was on the stairs. How embarrassing!

2) I have never felt so dumb/stupid/lost in a tutorial before. I finally felt it in today's tutorial. I felt as if I had been ignorant all this while, and it's definitely not helping me at all! Bluek~

3) I love the supposed 'study' sessions with Aunty PY. We were supposed to be studying but ended up gettin' distracted by the music, free RedBull, stories about the future as well as the past. Heh~ Stop Dexter-ing Aunty and get down to studying! Like now! And stop thinking that everything is a phallic symbol, will you? Tsk tsk tsk~

4) Sent my lappy for repair. I felt bad for making him forked out the money, but then again, I paid for the first time when I sent it for reformatting. Haiya~ I shud quickly dl the anti-virus software as soon as I get baby back....The entire system is corrupted, once again. Sigh~

5) Whatever happened, I wasn't sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. At least I had the chance to share with you things that have been kept in me for so long. I can't deny the fact that that will definitely be one issue that we might have difficulty coming to a compromise with, but then again, I guess we can always work it out. Thanks for everything. I love you, and thanks for loving me.

6) The cab driver that I had was freaking hilarious! He kept on talking, and talking, and talking. A nice chap he was. =)

Jealousy...

Should I even be jealous about it? Can I be jealous knowing that my bf is chilling with a girl, just the two of them alone at night? Even though, they are just friends? But why on earth would the girl ask him what he is doing? Tak tau ke, dia matair orang. Am I starting to be possessive?

I gathered my courage and msged him and said "I'm sorry. But I don't feel comfortable knowing that you're chilling with a girl, alone. I know you will not like it if I feel this way but I just wanted to let you know". Now, I'm not sure whether it was a right thing to do, coz no response from him at all. Then, no response too when I msged him again and asked where he was.

Am I wrong to feel that way? Was I wrong to do what I did? Izzit wrong for a girl to feel that way? Sometimes, I'm just at a loss, not knowing what to do. I can't help but to feel a certain way and he'll make me feel that it's wrong to feel that way. Isn't it something natural?

Why has it been so difficult for me to be happy? Why has it been so difficult to seek joy in this whole thing? Does it get harder as the relationship gets longer?

I'm afraid. I'm really afraid.

Bitter and upset

I'm really speechless right now. I'm not even sure whether how to respond.

I don't wish to attack or bombard you, but I think it's time that you know the effect of your actions on me.

Just when I was all ready to put aside the things that I was previously upset with, this had to happen.

At least I'm glad that you're not doing it to test my patience. Well, I guess that's because you clearly weren't aware.

Initiative. Think.

It's not the first time. It's happening ever too often. Let's both learn from this alright?

*sobx*

initiative, initiative, initiative. When is that good and when is that bad? I guess it's bad when you don't follow up after that? Wat nonsense am i blabbering about.

I dunno why but I'm feeling a lil different nowadays. Like he said, to him, it's a transition period to full-time job, a period of freedom..But then, it doesn't help if i feel like it seems to be only him who gets the best out of it, does it? I definitely don't have a similar sentiment as him. Then again, forcing someone to do things the way you like it to be won't help make things better either. Haiz~

Would this how life will be like when both are working? Wasn't i right to say that even in the past, anything that i were to say, u'd just respond by saying, "you shud understand my situation". Wouldn't that naturally make me feel like not to say anything at all, knowing that i'd get a similar response anyway?

I said what i could. Seeing u and spending time with you is getting harder than i thought. I shouldn't be calculative. It's unhealthy. At times, just getting a reply from you it's so hard. It's little things like this that matters so much to me. Nobody makes an effort to start a topic anymore. Nothing to say=hanging up.

I'm not trying to be the nice one. Neither am i trying to hide my reasons under the disguise of not knowing what to say. It's just that saying it, makes my heart ache even more.

Tears flowing down my cheek while i'm typing this. How do i let you know how i truly feel without making it sound like as if it is wrong of me to feel this way? I wonder...

hurt and hurting

thanks for the wonderful hurt you've bestowed upon me....

When.............

When happiness is shortlived...

I wonder what happens...

Have I ever, ever said that yours is a boring world? Have I ever said that I'm finding it hard to fit in? Have I ever said all those?

Sometimes I feel that you can be fragile that at times, I think I hafta be careful with what I say...
I'm trying to make you happy..I'm trying to make you life more enjoyable and fun...And I guess I do want to make a difference in your life...But I think at times, I am making things difficult for you..And for that, I'm sorry...

I wanna haf those happy, worry-free moments like last time...But I know that we've gotta get real about it..Life's not like that everytime, is it?

Neither am I asking you to change for the better...I love you too much...That at times when I am upset with you, I'll feel guilty for feeling that way...Coz for someone who loves me so, and who makes every effort to make me happy, why should I ever be upset or unhappy?

I guess I should learn to smile everytime when with you, no matter what...

I should be grateful and never stop to be...To be given the chance to be with someone like you...It's such a golden opportunity isn't it? I should knock some sense into my head...

"Cmon girl...He loves you so much..how can u be such a brat?" - echoing voice in head

Sayang...I love you...That's all that I seem to afford to say rite now...

=P

Tried as I might not to sound too depressed, but I cant seem to help it..Just now felt so different when we were on our own..And I couldn't understand why...Suddenly, we were so formal to each other...Or am I just seeing things in a different light? Or am I too picky about nitty-gritty stuffs?

No, PY...I'm not sad..Or am I in denial? I wonder....

Niwae......A list of things that I wanna do as soon as the exams are over:
1) A trip down to Pulau Ubin
2) A trip down to Tekka to let PY and SZ try bone steak...Yummy!
3) Sakura International Buffet
4) Watch lots of movies!!!!!!!!!!!
5) Read lots of books!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) Lemme think about more things that I wanna do..haha! =P

But niwae, I was thinking perhaps I shouldn't be reading too much into it...At the end of the day, what PY told me last night is true.. "By the look of it, this guy here really loves you and cares a lot for you..." =)

Sayang....I haven't said it to you for quite some time.. I love you...

=(

I hope it has not come to a point that my patience has run out...

I guess he can't even understand me now...

We quarrel ever so often...I think...There was once when he just said "I just can't understand why...."

I just realized that such a small lil thing affected me so much...And he must be thinking "But she din even scold you...." The silence was killing me...And now, all I could afford to do was cry....

What on earth is wrong..Suddenly, everything doesn't seem right...

Please give me the strength to get over this...I guess I should just take a chill pill and relax...

wat else can i say?

To all the peeps who have been reading my blog, don't worry, I'm fine...I'm trying my very best to tell myself that everything's alright... =)

My dearies have been telling me "Mardi...Why do u sound so sad in your blog? But when we meet you and see you, you're so jovial and stuffs...." Honestly, I don't know...

Thinking that you were safely home and to be called on like that, 'reprimanded' for something that I don't even know about, definitely doesn't feel nice...

"As his girlfriend, I hope you talk to him"

I was trying to let her know that I wasn't even aware..I'm so sure that they think that I'm with him...But i'm not....I really wasn't...

And I couldn't help but to cry when he answered my call the second time I called....Unhappy with someone else, and I got the telling off...Haiz~

PS. I went to watch Forbidden Kingdom last night..Go watch...nice.. =)

i'll miss you

Sayang.....

I know it'll only be for a short while..But it's the first time you're going away..I'll miss you so, so much...

I'm really sorry for not sending you off..And i know you're upset about it..i'm really sorry..i should haf just gone down, even for a lil while..i'm such a lousy gf...i'm sorry Sayang...

Please take good care of yourself k? I'll be praying for your safety..dun be notti alrite?

I realised what a wonderful boyfie i have..i should be grateful for that..

So please, come back safely k? in one piece..make sure...bring Baa-Baa~ along Sayang...

I love you.......

i love you

and i'm gg to hold onto you no matter what happens...

and i'm gg to feel that it's gg to be ok...

always rmb that i have loved you and will always love you no matter wat...

i'll do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going...

wat's wrong with me?

i'm feeling kinda different nowadays..I am totally not sure what is wrong with me..I dunno why i'm feeling this way..Something is just not right...

Am i feeling insecure about things that I shouldn't even be bothering myself wif? Even seeing you and talking to u feels different..

it shouldn't be anything bad...but everytime i see u, everytime i talk to u, i feel emotional, somehow..unsure why...

And we hardly talk nowadays too...

And u noe..I know that it might not be intentional...But it makes me feel that when i tell u stuffs, u sound uninterested..Am i beginning to bore u as time goes by with my unimportant daily rambles and updates? Am i telling u things that are not even necessary?

I feel as if I'm lacking something...I cant help but to feel this way...maybe i expected more? i dunno...

And at times i feel that i'm kinda forgotten...Not as if i'm asking for ur attention every minute...

And i'm feeling lonely...

And i dun even think it's something necessary or important to bring up...

I miss the touch of ur hand on mine...i miss the loving addresses that u used to make..the way u'd call me and just go "Sayang......" I miss those...

And i cant help but to weep every night, thinking about it...

Or maybe, it's me...Something's definitely wrong with me...

grr

i'm tired.

i'm stressed.


i'm lagging behind.


i wish i could stop time.


i really wish i could turn back time.



emotion for the day: l o s t