.c.r.o.s.s.r.o.a.d.s.

hey hey..i'm at my sis' house now..doing research for my gp assignment..gosh..only one week left before school reopen..and i haven't done a single assignment! goodness gracious...

yippee! i got to become an ogl..so happy..

sick..life's so sick..

do you think i should rebond my hair? my sis looks neater and nicer after she rebonded her hair..maybe i should ask sanah and mum about it..hehe..and so much for hating straight hairs..gosh..

the more i think about it, the more i feel that somehow, i would never get attached again..haiz..

so exciting...=P

yest, we went for adlin's sch year end concert..she was sooo cute..my goodness..with her hair bunned up and make-up applied on her..gorgeous..selamat berhari raya..hehe..she danced to that song..

i'm going for my holidays tml!!! i'm so excited..going to bangkok..supposed to go langkawi, den changed to bintan then now bangkok..went there already..going for the second time..hehe..and i'm gonna do lots and lots of shopping..hehe..

i got to talk to him that day! was so happy..couldn't be happier..he sounded good..hehe..he's coming back from his hols next week..hopefully they have a meeting after i come back..and i hope he'll come..then can see him..haiz..when was the last time i saw him? oh, during jalan raya..and that's like way back..gosh..

nowadays, like everyday also i go out..with has..so happy..

i can't believe it..i got tons and tons of homework..and i haven't even started doing a single one of it..did i complain abt this in the previous entry? can't help it..it's annoying me..aargh!!!!

why is the time crawling so slowly? can't wait to meet up with has and do our shopping..actually, her shopping..hehe..but well, i enjoy window shopping..

going insane...!

haiz..wonder what's happening to everyone..i guess the way i'm feeling right now is the way my friends felt last time..i mean, c'mon ah..i know he likes her..but please you're attached for goodness sake..even if you're having probs with your bf, no need to go to that extent right..haiz..i guess, that was how i behaved..what the heck..didn't realize it then..only now then i realize..but a bit too late..haiz..i hope she sadar before it's too late..haiz..can't be jealous rite..what for? it's just like i dun wan her to go through what i went through..it sucks..

haiz, and then the debate meeting..what the f***..only me and alvin turned up..and the four that were supposed to turn up didn't turn at all..so irritating..shit lah..and now me and alvin have to do all the work..AARGH!!! no priorities at all..bleaghx

i'm sitting in the school library waiting for my mlcs meeting to start..haiz..always not punctual one..why ah..haiz..me and liyana here already..waiting for the other two..haiz..and he's not here..he's flying off today..no wonder he never came for today's meeting..heez

.:: confused ::.

afiq contacted me that day..last sunday..he called me up eh..was shocked at first..hehe..but then ah, stupid sia..his current gerl wanted to talk to me..and she was like practically interrogating me ah..stupid..attitude problem sia..then i was thinking, did he purposely do that so that i won't bother him anymore? but it's not that i want to bother him..haiz..i mean, even after all that has happened, i am still treating him as a fren of mine..but to him, it's like, if we're not together, we can never be friends..so narrow minded..haiz~

why must i always be the one that the current gfs of my ex-bfs attack? am i that unlucky?!

haiz~ j, nor and san found out abt it already..haiz~ it seems that he told her..yeah2, go and tell everyone..it makes you happy and feel contented rite to see me suffering? i wonder what do they think of me now..i think their perception of me changed already..haiz..

am i leading such an unlucky life? why must all this happen to me? haiz..SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

i just found out yest that zulfadli's fond of me..hahakz..so funny..he even keeps my pic in his phone..brr..and well, azroy's fond of me too..gosh..and there's this guy that i got to know from am, tahir, i think he is too..gosh..i dunno eh..like, not interested gitu..coz i think now, me not really interested in these kinda things anymore considering what happened in my past relationships..mcm dah serik gitu kan..like guys tink when they berkenalan ngan pompuan, mesti kena jadi matair punya..apa sak..narrow minded..just like afiq..

had my ogl workshop for the past two days..so tiring..so dead..only had like 2hrs of sleep every nite..

ooh..my frenz coming to my house today for steamboat..hehe..i should be making a move soon..so exciting..

.:: what the heck lah ::.

so annoying..my gosh..if i knew this would happen, i wouldn't even have added luqman on friendster..oh well, what the heck..i mean, seriously, i have no ulterior motices or bad intentions for adding him..all i wanted to do is to get back in contact with my pri sch peeps..is there anything wrong with that? oh well, mayb, it's bcoz i was his ex-gf and that made the friend request looked damn suspicious..WHATEVER! how on earth would i noe that it was a shared account? oh well, JC, i'm sooo sorry if i'm intruding in your love life..gosh..did it look that bad?! and i tot it was him who asked me who am i..who on earth knew that it was his gf instead? sorie luqman..f***

sooo much homework..just received gp hw..gosh..so annoying..should start studying and doing my homework indeed..

so excited..later my frenz coming to my sister's house to eat steamboat..hehe..

oh well, no mood already..that JC really spoil my mood..

...boring...

oh well, it's the holidays now..didn't go for my ltc..haiz..wasted..i feel so guilty..sanah must be so mad at me..haiz..

i went for all my three jln rayas last week..the first one was with the ny people..oklah, not bad..syahman joined us at cikgu's house..he looked so smart! hehe..so nice..but too bad, didn't take pic with him..didn't wanna give away too much niwae..

then, went out with my pri sch peeps..went to luqman's hse..that's another cute one..but just found out just now that he's attached..been with his gf for 2 years already..added him on friendster..see how it goes lah eh..quite disappointed..hahakz..*blush*blush*

den mf peeps..fiq came along..felt awkward at first but oklah, i mean just heck care..den should be ok rite..his house damn big ah..very nice also..and i think nor likes him..hehe..can feel it..

so tired..hari2 jln raya..penat sak..haiz..

...sianz...

just finished my a maths paper 2..gosh..it was so hard! oh man, well i didn't study so can't really be blamed huh? hehe..oh well, hari raya's here..so exciting..

i just received my bill yest..and my goodness, it went up to 80+bucks! luckily, i'll haf my duit raya..if not i think i'll go bankrupt..haiz..balak dah menimpa..

i msged him the eve of raya..you know, that kind of forwarded raya msg..and guess wat?! he didn't even save my number! pengz..but yeah, after knowing that it was me, he was being kinda friendly but kept on hinting that i'll be happy with my loved one..my special guy lah tu..special guy kepala otak dia..how i wish i could see him again..

here i am advising azhar about su, but i can't even apply it to myself..very sad you know..and i was actually telling mus abt it last night..

talking abt mus, he's actually thinking of matchmaking me and azhar again! dream onlah eh, my beloved shepherd..

can't wait for my jln raya with friends..but i'm not so looking forward to the mf one..why? i scared of meeting taufiq..i dunno..on raya, i msged him and you know, apologise (even though it's kinda too late)..yeah, it's gonna be so awkward..haiz..i really dunno what to do..haiz..he hates me to the core i tell you! ~

my room now has a new look! so exciting..hehe..it's more spacious now..and i simply love my bed..even though it's the old bed..hehe..love it, like it..=)

i really think i should my parents for internet connection yeah..should..asap..heez..

...bored...

it's holidays once again..but here i am stuck in school..haiz..i should really get for internet connection man..this is driving me nuts! gosh..niwae, this boredom is really driving me nuts..tell you something..i am actually having a crush on somebody! heez..just having a fun crush and simply from far..it's not somebody that i talk to everyday..it's just that i dunno..he's just different from the other guys that i know of..and char and sanah calls him "youseetoomuch"..haha..
but then, i just realized how hard it is to actually forget someone whom you used to really, really love so much..up till now, i still can't forget Afiq..i know that i'm hoping for too much by sending him the card raya and stuffs..i dunno..it's been like a month plus now and yet, i still can't forget him..he's still in my mind..sometimes, i would just like think about the good old times that we had last time..smile to myself..and simply miss those times..haiz..i dunno..am i being stupid or something? gosh..and maybe because of this, i simply wont be able to accept another guy? i dunno..n niwae, i don't intend to get into a relationship so soon..wanna enjoy life..but how to when i seem to be thinking about him all the time?!
i dunno..it's like i'm going through a phase of insecurity and stuffs..did things that i'm not supposed to and feel horrible after that..so cheap..haiz..what's come over me?!

so sianz...

i'm now in school..in the school's comp lab..trying to do my pw..tying up loose ends..haiz..only when pw is ending then my group seems to be having so much troubles..haiz..it seems like everybody going up againt terry like that..very sad you know..but i have to admit that i'm the one who is the most irritated with him..why? because he doesn't even seem interested at all..haiz..whatever lah eh..can't really be bothered..a few more days to go and i'll be free from all these obligations..=P
i'm so confused now..this godbrother of mine actually tole me that he has been liking me eversince he was in sec 1 and is still likingme up till now..the thing is. i've always treated himas my adik and has never thought of you know..last time, he always calls me kakak but now, ever since that day, he addresses himself as 'I' and me 'You'..i feel kinda wierd actually..i dunno..i mean, i dun really haf those kinda feelings for him you know..i dunno..furthermore, i'm not ready for another one just yet..i prefer to lie low..haiz..i dunno..i dun want to give him the wrong impression and even when i do talk to him or ask him to accompany me somewhere, the thought that i have in mind is that he's still the godbrother that i'll always have..nothing more than that..haiz..but, i really dunno how to tell him that..haiz..what should i do now?
i really dunno but you know raya's coming and i've told my ma that i would want to make my choc chip cookies..and i had this crazy thought last night..my mind went to 'him'..i dunno why..he loves choc chip cookies..and i was even thinking of giving him some..maybe thru hissister or something..i dunno..i think i'm crazy..gosh..dunnolah..should i?i think i'm really being crazy..haiz..i dunno..oh well..
getting back results today..the results slip i think..yeah..i wonder how is my overall results..hmmm...
nowadays, like i dunno why but i'm easily irritated with one of my frenz..i dunno why you know..haiz..then, i think can sense ah..like i can't really be bothered gitu..hmmm..maybe, it's just me..haiz..muz try to adapt to my surroundings easily..oh well..whatever yeah...

it's over...

it's finally over..on 11-10-2004...not that i'm supposed to be happy and joyful abt it..but when i think back abt his reaction and attitude then, i'm glad i need not go through all this suffering any longer..his attitude sucks big time..he can't seem to be bothered at all..having fun with some other girls indeed..whatever yeah..and what else..not wanting to let go coz he's scared that he'll regret..what does he take me for in the first place?! gosh.and he still can think that there's another guy waiting for me..yeah right..look who's talking man..F***...somehow, i feel liberated..but deep down inside, even though it has been over like a few days ago, i still feel the pain and lost now..i dunno..i think i'm being stupid..gosh..if i were to tell this to sanah, char and shannon, confirm they'll start scolding me..i am trying my best to forget abt everything and all but i just can't..i mean, yeah, i should be angry for all the things that he's been doing behind my back all this while but i dunno..i guess, this feeling that i'm having is unexplainable..i myself can't understand..it's like i'm angry at him yet, i'm feeling the lost..i dunno..haiz..can't believe that all's lost in a matter of time..i still can't believe it..i dunno..honestly, sometimes, when i think back, i dunno why but i think i shouldn't have called it off..i dunno..here i am trying to act brave in front of people yet, i'm fighting against myself inside..and it's so hard for me to pour things out..haiz..i'm feeling more and more troubled now..gosh..if only he had said something then..maybe i would have felt better..i heard that he's sick..a part of me really wants to knpw what's wrong with him...haiz..can't believe this..what should i do???

hmm...

haiz~ well, we managed to talk things out and everything..and i'm not sure then whether it'll only made matters worse..then, i decided to write a letter to him ah..and when he got it, i got kinda scolding from him..gosh..now i really don't know whether he means anot when he decides to give this relationship a chance..haiz..oh yeah, we're like together again..not that we ever broke up though..but i just hope that things will be like last time..i mean, i really miss those times ah..he just makes my day..he's always capable of making me laugh..miss him so much..haiz..i dunno lah..i just hope that things work out well this time yeah..

...not e way i want things to turn out...

haiz..i really dunno what to do now..i think he's like waiting for me to msg ah..today's our 8 months anniversary..haven't even heard from him..somehow, a part of me really wants himt o msg even if it's just a goodnight msg or something..or at least, wish me happy anniversary..gosh..i really dunno what to do..i've already promised notot msg him no matter what happens but what if he just doesn't care? i'm so down now..what happens if he feel that breaking up is the best thing to do? the only thing that i'm afraid of is that he'll go back to his old ways and that's the last thing that i want him to do..that's what fiz said too..he said be careful..i'm so berbelah-bagi now..dunno what to do..haiz..oklah, fine..maybe it'smy fault..i'm really sorry..maybe i shouldn't get worked up or something..maybe it's a small matter to you and maybe, you really think that i'm blowing it up..i'm really sorry..gosh..should i? or should i not? how i wish that i know what he's actually thinking rite noe..i really wish..maybe, he thinks that i'm so angry and he just wants to let me cool down first? but..gosh..i really dunno..this is really unexpected ah..i really thought that he'll msg me today or something..i just realized something, i still love him! maybe, he just don't wanna stress me with his problems? if that's what bugging him rite now ah..gosh..

so much for my happy ending.....=(

haiz..here i am in the sch library wif my crazy nu-er sitting next to me..hehe..the past few days have been damn rough for me..because of who else? him ah..he's the cause of my endless suffering now..cannot take it eh..he see me so quiet, so soft-hearted, then want to take advantage of me ah..rubbish..he's like acting so cold towards me now ah..with his damn f***ed up attitude..haiz..and you know what char said? maybe he's got another gerl! geez..if really, then i 'll just go up to him and give him a tight slap on the face ah.. mcm ape gitu kan..so much for he saying that i'm the one that keeps him going all those s**t. whatever lah..i mean, come on lor..i'm alway willing to put aside time for you but you dun even bother to do the same for me? haiz..i told sanah already, this is the last straw..if this still doesn't work out, then too bad for him..yes, i do admit that it will be heartbreaking for me, after all the effort i've put into this relationship and all the love that i've given him but what to do..the thing is, he knows that he's making me suffer..maybe he's doing this on purpose? gosh..all i want to do now is to be able to talk to him ah..i dun want my days to be spoiled just thinking about this s**t. it's annoying me..AARGH!!!!! I can't take it anymore. he doesn't even want to listen to me now. what's the point of continuing the relationship? haiz..and i though that i've found the one..fat hope..i dun care anymore now ah..he can do whatever he wants now and i don't care.. maybe, i'm controlling him too much.. but what the heck..he's driving me to my grave eh..muhd nur afiq, i just wanna tell you, stop treating me like shit! i can't take anymore of your nonsense already!

B.S.

i think my relationship now is currently on the rocks..serisouly..baru nak berbaik semula, dah gaduh lagi..niwae, dia yang slalu kluar ngan kawan dia abeh baru satu hari nak spend time ngan dia, he chose to sleep..ape seh..abeh, lagi boleh ckp i'm selfish?! what the heck..oklah, he's tired and everything but he brought it upon himself pe..he knows that he'll go out wif me if he doesn't haf the interview thingy..so, izzit my fault?! what the heck lah..i was telling sanah, char and saerah abt it then sanah tanya lah whether i'm contemplating a break-up..i dunno..i mean, this is lthe last thing that i want to be stressing abt..dahlah i'm so stressed already..merepek seh..haiz..to me, he dun seem to care anymore..he's changed..i think..it's so hard to talk to him now..haiz..i dunnolah..it was very relaxing yest..i went out ON MY OWN! to esplanade and everything..so calming..

enough is enough

guess what? he msged me in the morning just now..hehe..saying that i'm really angry..of course ah..what does he expect? haiz..dunnolah..but in the end i just told him to forget about it..am i always this soft-hearted? char told me things that sanah told her when she confide her probs with vin..and she said that i'm experiencing exactly what she used to experience..is this true? haiz..i dunno lah.. i sometimes feel that i dun get as much attention from him like before..haiz..maybe i'm always hoping to be with him that kinda thing you know..but i am leading my own life what..so what's the problem? sigh~ and the thing is i am not even able to tell him things..somehow he scares me..i'm scared that if i were to tell him things he would resort to doing stupid things and like reverting back to his old self..and i so dun wan that! he's that kind of person ah..that time already thinking of gg to the disco..haiz..how i wish i can tell him what i'm truly, really feeling..how i wish! it's so hard to get him on the phone even ah..haiz..whatever lah eh..somehow, i can't seem to be bothered already..quite getting sick and tired..

so so tired!!!!!!

haiz..having the long break now..so tired and sleepy..supposed to be doing my drq..but nvm..nobody did it anyway..hehe..sanah didn't come sch today..got nobody to go to the ocip thingy with..haiz~ i dun even noe whether i'll be allowed to go lor..haiz..what if they dun allow me? shoot..haiz~ i'm so angry with that guy lor..gosh..oh well, maybe, like i always say, i expect too much out of him..he never msg me back last night ah..see for long this is gonna happen..dun care..not going to msg him until he msg me..huh! let him noe that i'm unhappy with him..oh well..i think it's either i give in to him too much or i'm being too hrash on him..haiz..niwae, promos is in like 32 days and i'm still not budging from my seat! gosh..should really start studying eh..but how? so many things gg on..today got the gpa meeting..at bugis eh..until night time..then tml got merry widow..sat got the dialogue session..haiyoy! headache ah..then the september holidays all taken up by remedials and tests and everything lah..gosh..my headache's getting worse!!!! oh well, how on earth do you upload any image here ah? gosh..

$$$

Went to the zoo on sat with sanah, char, saerah and ian for their geog project..i feel so guilty you know..i mean, everytime also sanah pay for me..i feel so bad..i mean, mcm apa gitu kan..haiz..and i don't seem to be paying her back..i think i should..but where to find the money? dahlah i myself dun haf enough money for myself..my parents think the 5 bucks per day is to much for me..whereas here i am struggling with it..haiz..i really wish i can stretch my prepaid value to at least two weeks and not like every week must top up..haiz..and if i subscribe to line, what happens if i over-use?! gosh..i'm so confused now..and yest, ian msged me and he said that he wants to help me top-up by atm..haiyoy..i feel very wat gitu..everything also pple help me one..haiz..and the thing is he's very persistent and determined to do it for me..i feel very,very guilty..these people are so nice to me..i really dunno how to repay their kindness..thank you so much people! *muackz* such nice people..

what the heck...

haiz..still in school now..you know what? during the june holidays i volunteered at this child care centre and my hours weren't even keyed in! so pissed off..and i was made to do this donation draw tickets that i'm so lazy to do..no time seh..it's like all the while if pple who are holding on to these tickets, approach me, i'll find ways and means to avoid them..now, i'm supposed to do this! gosh..this is mad man..and then, that stupid woman..gave her the 1st draft of written report last week and she's still not done with it yet! how long is she going to take? and we're supposed to hand in the 2nd draft by end of next week..what the heck seh..gosh..feel like kicking her..seriously eh..haiyoy.. so frust..then there's the OCIP thingy..i'm not even sure whether my parents will allow me to go..i handed in the form and had the interview already..what happens if they don't allow me to go? what am i supposed to do?! i'm feeling damn f***ed up now..can't stand it..i don't know why also..suddenly felt this way..AAARGH!!!!! i need to vent out this stupid, pent up anger..i can't take it anymore..!!!!! I NEED HELP HERE! gosh..i need to go somewhere to chill man..seriously..but how to? can't never find the time to..haiz..i alike to keep everything to myself so much, and this is the result ah..haiz..there's something else...

^ paranoia ^

I've not been feeling well man..been having constant headaches all the time..i wonder what's wrong with me..been to the doctor and got the medicines but i just can't seem to eat them at the specific time. haiz~ oh well..guess what? promos is in like 40 days and i'm so not prepared for it..been slacking all the way..i shouldn't even be here typing this..i should actually be studying! gosh..oh well. i need some chill time yeah.
i think i'm always being paranoid. coz i think that he's fine but just because of certain words that he used or just because he reacted in certain ways make me feel that the relationship now feels different and is just not like before. i don't know why. maybe, i'm feeling insecure somehow. oh well..the thing is right, i can't seem to tell him what i'm actually going through. been there, done that. it never work. i was being serious but there he was laughing all the way..who wouldn't be pissed?! gosh..he doesn't seem to be taking things seriously..it's like he always wants me to tell him my problem and everything but he himself is not doing that! so maddening..i wouldn't want myself to be stressing about this whole relationship but i just can't help it..haiz..i think i'm asking too much from him..am i? we rarely spend time together now also..most of the time, he'll be with arab and luqman..nobody else..they are like his girlfriends you know..so fed-up..oh well..so much for priorities huh?
last night, i was on the phone with fangrui for like 1 1/2 hr..and shaun was at his house..and shaun tot that i was still wif taufiq! so laggy..hehe..:p and you know what? i tot that he was joking that time abt chio-ing me but he was serious! haha..maybe he was being despo..God knows..hehe..oh well..whateverlah eh..i'm not gg to let history repeat itself..i should be learning from my mistakes..haiz~
i think i'm writing too much already..beta go now and go do my work..till me next time...toodles^

so enlightened...:)

i just had my chit-chat session with ms victor..honestly, i really think that she's a nice person..somehow, she has made me feel a whole lot better in a way..she's just so nice..haiz..can't beleive that i practically told her everything..i so didn't expect myself to do that..you know what she said? i'm such a sweet and happy gerl..hehe..so funny..she commented about my handwriting too! hehe..so wierd..niwae, i'm glad that at least now she understands my situation..i really must go tell my parents about the results thingy..ms vicotr's willing to help me..